Razorblades in apples. Deadly, poison caramels. These outdated urban legends are keeping you from the real threats to your children this Halloween. Before you trick-or-treat with your beloved only child this year, be aware of the latest, deadliest, trick-or-treating hazards that will definitely kill your children:
Nine out of ten costumes purchased from Halloween USA are extremely likely to catch aflame. Your daughter may look adorable in her Princess Fiona costume until she brushes past a leaky parked car and lights up like a roman candle.
Suffocating in a Rubber Mask
If your child hides his adorable face in a ghoulish mask or one of his favorite president or Marvel superhero, he is ten times more likely to suffocate than if he were just wearing makeup to look ghoulish, or like his favorite president or Marvel superhero.
Tumbling into a Pumpkin
While there are no confirmed reports of this happening, we’ve heard your toddler could tip into an open pumpkin, get stuck, and catch fire – without anyone noticing. There is no way to prevent this type of disaster if you live in an area with a number of pumpkins.
Electrocuted by Doorbells
Countless neighborhoods are filled with doorbells that have faulty wiring. Many of these are touched by your darling child’s precious hand, which can easily, painfully bring your tiny child to the shocking throes of death on what should have been the happiest day of the year.
Trap Doors on Porches
These are literally everywhere. The light step of your child’s delicate foot is all that’s needed to set off the trap door beneath him and take him into dark places where bad men lurk.
Happy Halloween and FUCKING PAY ATTENTION TO YOUR CHILDREN!