Top Five Most Empoweringly Sexy Halloween Costumes

Ever since the dawn of civilization, womankind has used All Hallows Eve as a way of becoming empowered. All Hallow’s Eve was invented for girl pagans to walk around all hot and naked – not just to impress their male pagan coworkers, but to feel way better about themselves in a strong, feminist way, using the tools of boobs and butt cleave to draw emotional strength from the Goddess. This holiday, honor your ancestors (and yourself!) with these empowering getups:



Empowered Witch

The early American witch trials were motivated in part by a patriarchal fear of female autonomy. And what better way to flip the script on history than by whipping out some sweet cleave? Bubble, bubble, toil and get into trouble when you show up to your friend’s kid’s Halloween party half-naked! You’ll have ‘em saying “I saw her suckle the Devil at her teat – and her tits looked fucking TIGHT!”



Empowered Cat

Cats are SUPER empowered. They have nine lives. They always land on their feet. And they could have gigantic, gravity-defying melons. “Check out the big old kitten feeders on that strong, empowered cat!” they’ll say. “I feel secure in my womanhood!” you’ll say. All you need is a tail, some ears, and not quite enough clothes, and you’ll be a more purrfect version of yourself!



Empowered Nurse

Empowerment, STAT! You’ll have them all wanting to bend you over and give you a shot – of self-reliance! Nurses can do important things like talking sassy to doctors, having sex with doctors, and yelling out “Hey! Let’s cut this guy’s shirt off!” Were you invited to a Halloween party with a group of people who make you feel slightly insecure? Showing 85% of your ass and midriff will make you feel super confident; not to mention those thigh-highs give you 200 cc’s of inner strength!



Empowered Superhero

The hero you deserve, AND the slut you need right now! Everyone will say, “Wow, Mallory used to be really shy and quiet, but now her tits are out.” Think about it: what did Clark Kent have to do to become Superman? Hint: he wore tight clothes and took off his glasses. Do as he did, and all your softball buddies will say “Damn, you look chilly.”



Empowered Schoolgirl

Represent the bravery of Malala by honoring schoolgirls everywhere. Nothing is more empowering for a woman than a getting good education! 36 + 24 + 36 = Instapowerment!


Have fun out there, sluts! And if you’re wearing one of these empowering costumes, use the buddy system to stay safe (These costumes may threaten the patriarchy).