Woman At The Local Skating Rink Is Not Fucking Around Here

Winter has finally arrived in Waukegan, IL, which means it’s time for the locals there to grab some hot cocoa, put on those earmuffs, and hit the North Shore Ice Arena, where 34-year-old formerly-semi-professional ice skater Rihannon James is not fucking around here.

 

James retired her figure skating career after she didn’t make it onto the U.S. Olympic Team for the 1998 games at age 15. But that doesn’t stop her from diligently working on her jumps and turns every fucking morning before all the amateurs show up at 10 am.

 

Sources confirm that when James is on the rink, other skaters keep their distance, as they can tell she is not here to fuck around.

 

“This is our third date and I’ve never skated before, so when that woman whizzed past me I was totally thrown,” says Waukegan resident Kiley Grandey. “She’s really good, but I can tell she’s not here to make friends. It actually seems like she might be here specifically to make enemies.”

 

Everyday except Sunday, James reports to the rink at 6:30 am sharp, then spends three hours warming up, perfecting jumps and practicing routines from her old skating days. Then she spends the next two hours grumpily sitting in the stands, watching the little kids taking skating classes, and muttering mean shit under her breath.

 

Matt Czesch, the zamboni driver at North Shore Ice Arena comments on his interactions with the former athlete.

 

“Rihannon is here to do business,” says Czesch. “One time I asked her, “How are you today?” to which she answered, ‘Sorry, I’m not here to talk. I’m here to skate.’ One morning I was ten minutes late and when I walked in was driving the Zamboni herself. She is definitely not here to fuck around.”

 

Although James keeps herself to a strict skating schedule, she did agree to an interview after a practice session. She shared some insights into the life of a person who skates so intensely for no apparent reason.

 

 

“For some people, a trip to the rink means a good time with friends,” says James. “For me, a trip to the rink is my job. Even though I am not getting paid and there is no real goal.”

 

At the conclusion of this interview, James, back on the rink, whipped past children causing them to topple over and weep.

 

One mother said to her fallen child, “Wow, that bitch is not fucking around.”

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