Michelle Clarifies It’s Not The Taste, It’s The Texture

At a friendly gathering recently at a local sushi restaurant, Michelle Wilson felt it necessary to clarify her thoughts on the meal. “I’m not a fan,” she told her group of friends. “It’s not the taste, it’s the texture.”


Before Michelle clarified her opinion, questions had been lingering on why exactly she did not care for the meal of California Rolls and Makizushi.


“When she first said she didn’t like it, I was like, what? Is it the seasoning?” said her friend, Alice. “But then she explained that it wasn’t the taste, it was the texture, and I was like, ohhhhh.”


The restaurant, which had not been chosen by Michelle, is renowned in the area as some of the most delicious sushi available. This fact most likely played a role in Michelle’s repeated insistence that she liked the taste, she “just didn’t like the feel of it in her mouth,” murmuring with every new course, “It’s a texture thing, it’s a texture thing.”


Michelle has always quick to mention that she loves the flavor of bananas, as found in gummy fruit snacks and Laffy Taffy. It’s the cold mushiness of the actual fruit that puts her off, as she is fond of explaining to anyone who will listen.


“I was really glad when she cleared that up for me,” said Michelle’s friend Evan. “When someone tells me they don’t like a food, I’m immediately like, elaborate. I want to know what exactly is putting you off, and I want to know right this goddamn minute.”



At the sushi meal, Michelle spent a good deal of time pondering the nature of her textural proclivities. “Maybe it all just comes down to what you ate as a kid,” she wondered aloud as the group continued to eat. “It’s like, I never had Jell-o as a kid, and now I can’t eat Jell-o at all. Also it’s a texture thing.”


When the group had finished and the check had been paid, Michelle apologized again to the group, asserting once more that she really did enjoy the taste of the sushi. “I just can’t get over the texture hump. I want to like it, I really do. Texture.”

As her friends put on their coats to leave, someone reportedly offered Michelle a piece of Icebreaker Ice Cubes Gum. She declined, explaining, “I hate those. They taste like ass.”