You care about self-improvement, which is why you’ve been dutifully going to therapy for years. But it turns out the “hard truths” that your stupid therapist has been offering you are shit compared to the utter brilliance of tarot cards. Since your therapist just keeps giving saying vagaries like “accountability” and “you need to put in the work”, here are four tarot cards way more clarifying than anything Christopher’s ever said.
Nine of Swords
This card, which shows a woman with a head in her hands having woken up from a bad dream, is a card of fear and nightmares. Yes, wow, that is you. The nine of swords might be about something that’s scaring you about the future or it might be about a recurring worry you have or it might mean that you’re being very tough on yourself. You actually did flake on your friend Kirsten lately. That’s definitely the problem. Unlike what your therapist Christopher told you, which is that “your parents’ expectations weigh on you and you’re projecting it onto your loved ones.” You know what, Christopher? You can go suck a dick.
The Empress Reversed
When upright, the Empress card represents beauty, nature, abundance, and femininity. Reversed, it represents a loss of personal power. Eerily accurate, right? Like, way more accurate than whatever Christopher went on about during last Wednesday’s session? The Major Arcana cards are all dependent on your personal lens, so you probably have feelings that need to be expressed, and a relationship or creative endeavor might be suffering because you’re suppressing those feelings. That totally puts your recent struggles with your knitting project into perspective. It has nothing to do with what your stupid therapist said, which is that you haven’t told your boyfriend you decided you want kids and that it’s eating you up inside. Your therapist is a dumb-dumb, but this interpretive tarot card fucking gets it!
Five of Cups
This melancholy card signifies loss and despair. A man in dark cloak mourns three cups that have fallen over. Yet the card has a positive spin: behind the man are two upright cups. You need to consider what you’re mourning and how you can move on so you can recognize the positive things that are still in your life. How fucking clarifying is that?! This is definitely about how you accidentally let a bunch of bananas go bad and you had to throw them out. Cheer up—you’ve still got two apples in the fridge! Take that, Christopher, who said you need to move past the death of your family cat and stop blaming yourself. That’s enough out of you, you smug fuck!
Two of Wands
The two of wands is a card of potential, depicting a man with a small globe in his hand looking over an ocean, mountains, and land. The card suggests that there is a path for success, and encourages you to boldly take it. How’s that for looking in a fucking mirror? This one is definitely about firing Christopher, since you don’t need his idiot insights anymore. You’re all set with tarot cards, thank you very much! Turns out Christopher was wrong—going into debt to open your own business and trusting your business plan isn’t the answer. Seriously, why should anybody listen to him?
When you look deep inside yourself, you know the truth: you don’t need to work through your shit in therapy, you just need to do a bunch of tarot card readings. Go fuck yourself, Christopher!