Trader Joe’s prides themselves on affordable, quality goods and a personable staff who are there for you to unload your emotional burdens. There’s a special bond to be had as you overshare intimate details of your life with the friendly, knowledgeable employees of this food emporium. When choosing a shoulder to lean on, it’s important to find someone who’s right for you, not just some random cashier who happens to be open when you reach the front of the line. Below are bios of five exemplary Trader Joe’s employees for you to consider on your path to wellness:
Jenny
Jenny is a no-nonsense gal. She’s working on a law degree while holding down two part-time jobs. Choose her register if you need someone to tell it like it is—no sugar-coating. While she’s price-checking your TJ’s Fresh Goat Cheese Medallions, go ahead and ask her if that text from your mom proves she’s a narcissist. Jenny can handle it because she’s a born multi-tasker! She’ll even offer to load up your car while you unload your emotional baggage! Just don’t expect a long drawn-out conversation; after all, you’ve only got 5 items!
Areas of Expertise: Family Issues and Reunification, Relational Problems, Stress Management and Self-Care
Steven
If what you need right now is a true “no-judgment zone,” then you’ll never regret choosing Steven’s line. It’s okay that, once again, you forgot your reusable shopping bags, and your anniversary! Steven will nurture your wounded ego with compliments on your manicure and graphic tee. He knows what you need right now, and it’s vegetables coated in chocolate, which he’ll provide for you in the form of a free sample. Thanks, Steven!
Areas of Expertise: Self-esteem Issues, Couples Therapy, Addiction and Recovery
Reggie
For the Freud-purists out there, Reggie is the cashier for you. He employs classic psychoanalytic theory, and includes his bag-checking assistant, Dana, for a comprehensive Trader Joe’s check-out experience. Reggie is a great fit for anyone who needs to unpack the recesses of their mind without packing up their own groceries! Reggie’s already knows why you need two cartons of coffee-flavored frozen Greek yogurt and he will urge you to explore that with a thought-provoking question like “Fun night ahead, huh?” Reggie might be a little unsettling in his astuteness, but he gets results!
Areas of Expertise: Traditional Psychoanalysis, Psychosexual analysis, Neoanalytic Therapy and Loss of Pets
Helen
If you’re new to therapy or Trader Joe’s, do not hesitate to queue up in Helen’s line. Helen is a retired schoolteacher, so she has the patience to make you feel at home. She’ll show you how to just prop your shopping basket full of frozen organic enchiladas right on her counter while she also props up your wounded ego that’s been hurting ever since you were passed over for that promotion. She’ll also want to know if you found everything you’re looking for—so be honest about whether they’re still out of those Giant Greek Green Olives or if you feel like there’s something missing from your marriage. Don’t be afraid to cry in front of Helen! Bonus: her counter is right by the tissue aisle!
Areas of Expertise: Interpersonal Therapy, Anxiety and Mood Disorders, Self-love and Self-Esteem
Derek
If you’re looking for a more traditional cognitive therapy approach, choose Derek’s register. As a part-time manager, Derek has over eight years of experience treating Trader Joe’s customers. He instinctively knows you’ll want to try the Spinach Kale Yogurt Dip to go with those Stacy’s Pita Chips and that your career stagnation is a result of your fear of change. Through conditional learning he’ll teach you to be ready for the next steps in your life, and when to hit enter on the credit card machine. Just be prepared to commit and return often—Derek expects it from you!
Areas of Expertise: Anxiety and Depression, OCD, Adult ADHD, Anger Management and Life Transitions
The highly personable Trader Joe’s staff is there for you. When they ask how you’re doing today, they really want to know! Right? Otherwise, why would they ask???
