We’re unsure whether it’s a trendy fad or a sexual institution that is here to stay, but we are sure that the women of 2015 are eager to try butt stuff. Some women are anxious about taking the butt plunge, so why not find the right tunes to guide you through the experience? Here are the best songs to have try something new with your butt:
“Return to Innocence” – Enigma
Being in a calm and relaxed state is necessary before embarking upon this new endeavor. Remember to take deep breaths, release any negative energy, and trust that the universe will take care of you before the butt stuff ensues.
“Fall Tour 2013 Jam Compilation” – Phish
The new shift in butt consciousness is allowing us all to expand our minds while we expand our butts to foreign objects. Open your mind to this new experience. We’ve included this song because music that people drop acid to is logically suitable to do butt stuff to. Send your mind into new dimensions to prepare for new things entering your butt.
“Slip Slidin’ Away” – Paul Simon
Properly lubricate your mental state before you properly lubricate your butt for the upcoming stuff that is going to happen to it. This is crucial. Now get it goin’!
“Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” – Cyndi Lauper
Here we go, girl! You’re ready to be poked, stroked, fondled, and possibly penetrated in and around your fart chute. As you get started, remember what it’s all about: Having fun and also having a story to tell your friends that proves that you’re not as much of a prude you suspect they think you secretly are.
“Get Ur Freak On” – Missy Elliott
If at this point you’re reverting back to the antiquated sentiment that butt stuff is somehow dirty or wrong, our girl Missy is here to reassure you that butt stuff is not only cool, but freaky as hell. Be a freak!
“(Untitled) How Does It Feel” – D’Angelo
Perhaps the best song to pork to of all time, we would be remiss if we neglected to include this inquisitive jam in this list. Lie back and float on those sphinctal nerve ending vibes. But really: How does it feel? Communication with your partner is very important at this stage, especially when you sort of still don’t understand why this would feel good, even though it totally does.
“Good Vibrations” – Beach Boys
Perhaps you’re making a foray into using toys at this point. Or maybe you’re just attempting to move your digits at light speed. No matter what, we support you!
“Big Mouth Strikes Again” – The Smiths
Morrissey is here to encourage you to try using your mouth, but also to say that it’s okay if this experience is making you weirdly sad.
“Don’t Look Back In Anger” – Oasis
Let us reiterate what we said about communication: Tell your partner if and when you feel like you have to poop, his grunts are making you uncomfortable, you forgot to take your meds, or you can’t stop thinking about your grandpa and you don’t know why.
“What a Wonderful World” – Louis Armstrong
If all is going according to plan, you should be in a really great state right now, stoked on the existence of your bod, your partner’s bod, and all the trees and dandelions or whatever. Look into your partner’s eyes and say, “I’m so glad we’re finally doing butt stuff!”
Closing Time – “Semisonic”
Things should be winding down about now; one can only explore uncharted anal territory for so long. End gracefully and tell him that he doesn’t have to go home but you’re a little bit over it so maybe you should just have normie sex now.
Rump exploration can be a simple and pleasurable experience with the help of preparation, lubrication, and musical stimulation. Listen to these songs next time you’re incorporating your ass into your doing-the-nasty routine.