The Five Women You’ll Date When All the Men are Dead

Homeless Martha - Reductress

There comes a time in every woman’s life when a mysterious disease wipes out every man on earth. When everyone with a Y chromosome is gone, the rest of us are left to fend for ourselves, emotionally and sexually. But you won’t let the tragic extinction of man stop you from dating! You’ll forge on and strike up relationships with these five women:

 

The Scavenger

Her knack for always having a tissue was handy before the Great Plague, but now, it’s essential. This is the woman who somehow has batteries for a flashlight AND the sex toy she won in a game of underground gun poker, even after the last heavily diseased men on earth went mad and destroyed our infrastructure in a series of military coups. But remember, she’ll stick with you for only as long as you’re useful to her. So learn a skill like how to make fire, or at the very least, get good at cunnilingus.

 

The Hunter

She smells meat in the air. Both animal meat and woman meat. Get ready when she starts smelling you, because this woman is a natural provider. You’ll eventually lose her when she chases a flock of geese into what we now call the Southerlands but your days with her will be wild and blood-filled while they last.

 

The Hugger

She’s unstable, mad even, but she clings to you like a mother to her boy child. Who are you to stop her? We’re all mad, aren’t we? She’s teaching you give over to it. Also if you say no, she’ll decapitate you.

 

 

The Owl

She is not literally an owl, but that doesn’t stop her nighttime hoots from keeping you company in the darkness. You can only describe what you feel for her as love, or as close to love as anyone can get to in these dark times. Boy animals have died, too; so if she gives you a pellet of vole bones, don’t resist her.

 

The Great One

You’ll only be chosen by the Great One for one magical, ritualistic night amongst her coven, so make it count. Her favor could make or break you. If she sends you to scavenge the Upperlands, you’ll surely die of the cold, or something worse. If she declares you as one of the “clean,” you’ll have as much clam meat as your heart desires.

 

Remember: The time when all the men are gone is a time to branch out sexually and emotionally. So open yourself to these women and ride the wave of our dark future.