A tale as old as time: You toil endlessly in your laboratory building the perfect boyfriend in time for Colleen’s dinner party, only to have him outed as un-human almost immediately. Follow these guidelines to build a more believable beau, so your friends will think you are relationship-worthy in no time at all!
To ease your loneliness during the build process you will probably start programming the voice first. Resist the temptation to give him a sexy, deep, confident voice. Barry White, Alec Baldwin, Idris Elba – Don’t! Trust me, it never works. Instead, program your guy with a barely noticeable lisp, maybe even a European accent (NOT one of the cool ones). It’s a small detail, but really pays off in the believability department.
Hell, I can’t blame you for wanting to program your AI guy to like fine art, theater, reality tv – who wouldn’t!? He may be a connoisseur in your dreams, but certainly not amongst the discerning eyes of Colleen’s dinner party. Everyone will sniff out your secret if he knows what’s on this week at the Met or what Emily Nussbaum thought of Black Mirror. Program your guy to have a vaguely racist view of what is and isn’t art, and too much knowledge about knives. By the time he’s finished his rant about 311 being underrated, there will be no doubt in their minds: That’s really your human boyfriend this time.
It’s not fair, but a suave “sweep you off your feet” robot won’t fool anyone. Your friends are smart and they know who’s in your league and who’s not. Dial back the gentleman settings – you’re going to need to program your droid dude to flirt with other woman in front of you and brag about how he’s gonna treat you to Applebee’s for your anniversary/birthday combo. For flair, program him to pronounce your name wrong. It might seem embarrassing, but more embarrassing than not having a boyfriend at yet another dinner party? Think about the big picture.
This is perhaps the most important element of your man-droid to get right. I know you want to sink your hands into sculpting a perfect silicone Adonis. One peek at those strong shoulders, chiseled chest, or Jon Hamm-like dick outline and they will physically tear apart your “abomination” and chase you from town again. It’s not worth the risk! Play it safe, and craft your boy toy to be a little pasty, a little flabby and not too short, but still extremely defensive about his height. Make his body a conversation starter by removing chunks of flesh from various “animal encounters.” It’s a winningly believable combo and I dare those women to catch on.
As much as we wish it were, life isn’t like Weird Science, and creating the perfect artificial man often results in alienation, embarrassment, and seizure of assets by the government – not to mention the icy stares of everyone at Colleen’s dinner party. Don’t get caught with a bot, follow these steps for a believable and achievable BF!