Having sex with your boyfriend can be trés boring, especially when there are so many other fun things you could be doing. Here are some simple ways to phone it in so that you can do the deed without even knowing that you’re doing it.
1. Time your sleeping pills to kick in so that you’re mostly unconscious—but can still make responsive sounds—just as you’re getting down to business. Nothing says bedroom eyes like your pupils rolling into the back of your head. Soon you’ll be dreaming of something much more appealing, like your early morning run.
2. Silently count backward from 100. If it works for anesthesia patients, it’ll probably work for you. If it doesn’t, count in increments of three. You’ll be concentrating so hard that you’ll look like you’re really into the aggressive humping…if you somehow happened to notice he was doing that!
3. Make a list of all the things that are wrong with him. It passes the time even better than reading a really good book. Don’t limit it to the bedroom!
4. Replay your favorite episode of Sex and the City in your head. Thinking about when Big and Carrie finally got together will keep you entertained through this under-stimulating experience.
5. Do it in front of a mirror—and use the time to critique everything you hate about his body. When you’re done, focus on what’s wrong with yours (hopefully he’ll be done by then).
6. Group text your girlfriends! At least you have people you love to bitch to about your significant other.
7. Hit the Brussels sprouts hard, then practice suppressing your gas. Oh, a penis is going in and out of me? I didn’t even notice, because I was trying so hard to keep in my farts.
8. Date men with smaller penises. The smaller the penis, the less hard you have to work to not notice he’s using it. It’s simple math.
There are many ways to distract yourself during sex, all much more appealing than the act itself. Choose from the list above to find something that really excites you!