You’ve definitely seen porn. But as a woman, you can’t let men know that! You may spend your nights clam-digging through grainy footage of Malibu co-eds crushing a clown’s balls, but for the purposes of polite conversation: you know nothing about porn. Nor do you have any interest in learning! Here are seven specific porn topics you must feign ignorance about:
1. All men watch porn.
You obviously know this, but don’t ever admit it – because then you’d have to admit that your father and your boyfriend are also men. “Perhaps other men, but no man that I’ve ever known. If they masturbate, I definitely don’t know anything about it.”
2. “Money shot” is a slang term referring to the moment of on-camera ejaculation.
Act confused if anyone uses a term for one of the many sex acts you’ve seen on screen. “Money shot? Is that a hunting term, or something to do with Wall Street trading?”
3. Many men watch porn on a daily basis.
You know from experience that sexual gratification can help blow off steam, but you want to give off the impression that that would never occur to you. “You mean, once a day they sit down to masturbate in front of their laptop that they use FOR WORK? Those men sound like the lowest of the low.”
4. Almost everybody has watched gay porn.
Sure you’ve clicked around the Internet and didn’t hate that all-male orgy you happened upon, but you want to present a judgmental attitude about sexual exploration that says, “I believe sexuality is static and should stay in its proper place.”
5. 12% of women who admit to watching porn say they prefer BDSM porn.
Continue to act like you’ve never been on the Internet or left the house: “What is “Bee-dee whatever whatever”? My god, the state of this world.”
6. The most-searched porn term in the U.S. is “MILF.”
“I can’t even begin to guess what you’re talking to me about.”
7. There is porn made specifically for women.
“Yeah, but it sucks. I mean…what? What’s porn?