Reports from a nationwide study have led researchers to a humbling new finding: Pointing out things that aren’t a personality is also very much not a personality.
“I knew that being obsessed with true crime wasn’t a personality, which is why I tweeted that,” said Narissa Andrews, a Houston-based barista who participated in the study.
Several of Narissa’s friends even liked the tweet, which made her feel secure in her assertion as well as distinguished as a human being. “I just never dreamed the things I was doing were also not a personality.”
But Narissa is not the only American totally blindsided by this horrifying new development.
“It’s so annoying when people make having a caffeine addiction, like, their whole thing,” said Viv Calister, an office manager out of South Bend, IN. “That’s why I dedicated a whole blog to calling people out on that.”
“Let me guess, Viv told you all about her blog, huh?” said Viv’s best friend Dana, shaking her head. “That blog…took over her life, it’s like she thought calling out those people was her identity.”
Researchers are now saying that Viv has dropped out of the study, deleted her blog, and her recent Google history shows searches such as: “what do I like even?”
“Deep down, I know I have a personality. I just have to find it,” said Gina Fletcher, an accountant living in San Diego. “At least I’m not that girl who only talks about hot yoga – I’m doing it again, aren’t I?”
In what many are calling a national crisis, boring judgmental people who normally forge their identity around condescending to boring nice people are now forced to look within for the first time in their lives. Multiple reports confirm a dedicated hotline for these empty-headed snarks is in the works.
Since the initial findings, reports have steadily slowed as researchers succumb to identity crises of their own. “I’m just scared to think that even doing research on how pointing out things that aren’t a personality not being a personality…is also…not really a personality,” former head researcher Gloria Becker was overheard saying, “I mean, I like painting? Kind of?”
She hasn’t been seen since.
