A new study from Harvard University revealed that short man Floyd Joseph is attempting to compensate for his lack of height with his absolutely horrendous personality.
“Most men who find themselves in Floyd’s position develop a sense of humor, or read a lot of books to become intelligent and good conversationalists,” said Dr. Pablo Santiago, who spent over two years carefully monitoring the interactions of 32-year-old Joseph. “But Floyd has decided to take the opposite approach and has managed to become a real piece of shit instead.”
The report detailed Floyd’s complete disregard for the feelings of others and general rudeness, including testimonials from the middle office manager’s co-workers and associates.
“I used to believe everyone has something to offer in spite of their shortcomings. When I first met Floyd, I thought for sure he’d have an interesting anecdote or, like, be kind or something,” said his roommate, Steven, “But it turns out…no. He’s boring and also a dick. I honestly wouldn’t live with him if I could afford rent on my own.”
The data details how Floyd appears to communicate solely in snide sarcasm, a mode of linguistics that scientists have concluded leads most normal human beings to conclude that Floyd is indeed a piece of shit.
“In primitive times, a man of his teeny stature would need to rely on tribal bonds and his own cunning to survive,” said Dr. Santiago. “But in our modern era, Floyd is able to survive on his own as a miserable turd.”
“Interestingly, Floyd seems unfazed by the fact that everyone hates him,” Santiago added.
When pressed for details on if the researchers believed Floyd’s staggering levels of assholeness could be related to society’s poor treatment of shorter men, Dr. Santiago rejected the idea.
“This is not a reaction to rejection because of his height or cruelty stemming from bullying. That would make him sort of sympathetic. He’s just truly an awful, awful man.”
Unfortunately, researchers have yet to find a cure for Floyd’s condition.
“He would just need to want to stop being a mean little wiener, and it doesn’t seem like he’s willing to make that leap,” said Dr. Santiago, “Which is unfortunate because he’ll be competing with many tall, interesting, kind men when it comes to finding a partner. I don’t really know who would choose Floyd over those potential suitors.”
The doctor clarified that he would advise no one date Floyd, even pity dating.
“Oh, I would absolutely advise against it. I don’t know what’s going on with him, but the numbers show it’s very bad.”