REPORT: Woman’s Bed For Sleeping On One Side and Leaving Trash On the Other

A recent report out of the University of Michigan has concluded that the average woman’s bed is for sleeping on one side, and according to data, piling up various forms of garbage on the other.


It has been previously suggested that the average woman sleeps on her entire bed, or shares the bed with a pet or partner, however we have now confirmed that this is not the case and that the average woman instead takes up as little as 40-50% of the bed while sleeping in order to make way for the piles of miscellaneous trash she could easily throw away but chooses not to.



“We’ve been studying women’s sleep patterns for years to try to understand them,” says Aurelia Bernare, one of the lead researchers on the team. “Now we can finally attest with absolute certainty that the average woman will sort of dangle her body over the utmost edge of her mattress while treating the other half as her own personal dumping ground for used tissues, wrappers and other random crap.”


“In some cases, she’ll fully sleep on top of the trash through the night, often not even seeming to recognize it’s there,” she adds.


The study examined a large number of women across the United States to determine just how slovenly the average woman is.


“Everyone has always assumed the average woman’s bed is for sleeping, and not really treated as a trash receptacle of any sort,” says Genevieve O’Connor, another researcher on the team. “But after studying them over the course of many years, we’ve found that women will toss just about anything on the half they don’t typically sleep on — up to and including orange peels, loose contact lenses, and even full loaves of old bread.”


Some women have a hard time accepting the study’s results.


“This is absurd,” says one critic, Candice Jones. “My bed is not for trash – it’s for mindlessly flinging stuff like my keys, chargers and jewelry, which then immediately get lost for weeks and months on end,” she added. “I’m not a slob.”