Man Who Doesn’t Get Why We Tip Also Doesn’t Cuddle After Sex

In a recent turn of events, 30-year-old Los Angeles resident Kip Sanford who refuses to cuddle after sex, does not understand why it is customary to tip his waitstaff.


As the check arrived at an established Downtown Los Angeles eatery, Kip said, “I have never understood why we tip. The server just walked from the kitchen to us holding plates. Anyone could do that. We’re already paying for the food.”



Sanford, who can both afford to tip and also cuddle after sex, crosses out the blank tip line on merchant copy of the receipt. “I don’t want them to think I forgot,” says Kip. “I want them to know it was purposeful, because tipping doesn’t make any sense.”


Kip apparently also believes sex is a transaction that should end abruptly with orgasm.


The manager at the aforementioned eatery, Adona Thomas, recognizes Sanford’s checks whenever she’s on shift.


“I can tell it is Sanford’s bill because there are question marks drawn all over the receipt paper,” says Thomas. “I think he’s really struggling to understand the idea of gratuity, you know, that you should acknowledge people for going out of their way to make your night enjoyable and also that they are getting paid below minimum wage based off the assumption that they will receive tips.”


“At first I was like, huh???” says Ellie Hoofington, Kip’s date. “You have to tip! But then I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt. Maybe it’s because he had a tough childhood?”


Sources confirm Kip did not have a tough childhood.


Despite her initial hesitation, Hoofington did spend the night at Sanford’s apartment in Brentwood. She adds: “We were intimate, but then after he finished, he turned away from me and was fast asleep. I mean, we’re not falling in love anytime soon, but it’s still nice to cuddle.”


When approached about this issue, Sanford made it be known he objects to cuddling.


“Cuddling?” Says Sanford, “Why would I cuddle? I have never understood why we cuddle. We had sex and we both enjoyed it, end of story.”


Sanford seems to be looking for new ways to ignore the work others are doing. “I’m spending the weekend in Santa Barbara with my mother for Mother’s Day,” says Sanford. “I have never understood why they get a whole day. The woman pushed out a kid. Anyone could do that.”