Hey, babes. Dude Corner Dude here, kindly asking you to shut up about shopping and pay attention to me. I was thinking about all my ex-slampieces yesterday as I was jacking off in a gym shower with the curtain open, and I realized every last one of those bitches was totally crazy. Luckily for you, I’ve put together a list of tips about how to not be so crazy and if you’re a good girl and follow it, I promise to eat your pussy. PSYCH! No homo. Here’s how to not be hardcore mentally ill on my ass:
Don’t disagree with me.
This one’s easy. When a chick disagrees with me, she’s straight-up being crazy. Let me try to ride your elderly dog like a pony. Let me get mad at you for not wanting to blow me on a Ferris wheel. When I tell you condoms are gay and I don’t use them, you need to say, “I’m not mad that you called me my sister’s name during sex.” My ideas are always good and perfect and sometimes I punch the wall if the remote is acting weird because I’m chill as fuck. If you’d just agree with me, things wouldn’t be so hard. Heh heh, hard like a dick. My dick. Blow my dick on a Ferris wheel and listen to me.
Be polite to me.
Women are supposed to be nice, so why are some of you so loud when I throw food at you AS A JOKE? Just say yes and THANK YOU. Don’t slam the door in my face when I say I’ll pay for 50% of your boob job so you have tits so big they’ll work as an airbag when I total your car. Don’t use curse words with me when I tell you that I wanna boing your sister up her butt so hard it’ll make her pregnant with butt twins. It was a joke, babe. Do a curtsy or something and calm down. You’re literally being so crazy right now.
Have sex with me.
This one’s a big one. Just let me sex you. I’m great at sex, and I know this because I almost always can make sure I come, so just give me your body to help me come. Think about it like this: You owe it to me because I want it. Whenever a girl is like, “No,” it’s a huge red flag for me. Like, hello, crazy alert! Luckily I’m a nice guy, so I won’t dump you over it, and I can promise you this: I am absolutely down for a threesome with you and your sister, I will only sometimes come in your eye, and I hate it when chicks get all clingy and spend the night. I am not your boyfriend!
Stop talking to me.
The sound of your voice is a real boner-killer because you always say something crazy. Things like, “I can’t orgasm from penetration alone,” and “Are you trying to put your dick in my toaster?” and “Leave my sister alone, you shitbag.” When girls talk about stuff, it’s RIP for my constant chub. Why don’t you let me be the idea man? I’m good at it. For example, how about we become astronauts so we can smash crotches in space? I’m getting pretty hard thinking about shooting my load on a satellite. That’s fucking science, babe. Guys love science and we hate when girls talk.
Stop blaming me.
I’m a pretty good guy and if something is wrong, I guarantee it has way more to do with your insane standards for me to be some kind of pussy who’s obsessed with not insulting you during sex than my normal standards for you to be a tiny sex athlete whose dreams are my dreams. So what if I didn’t answer your calls or texts for three weeks after you told me you had a missed period? It was a false alarm anyway, so I wasn’t wrong. You gotta think about things from my perspective! For example, it’s a compliment when I say I want to bang your sister because she’s related to you. Duh! Don’t be the Mayor of Crazytown. Be the Mayor of my Kitchen and jerk me off with one hand while you grill me a hot sandwich with the other. Fuck yeah! But bring pans cuz I don’t own that girly shit.
So there you have it: an easy list to follow so you won’t be so crazy. Follow it step by step and I will get bored of you less quickly. Lucky you!