Is that a spot of hot fudge on your wrist? Wait…no! It’s a new freckle! When did that show up? Crack open WebMD and harass your roommate about whether she remembers what it looked like yesterday because that freckle’s probably cancer.
Freckles 1 & 2 – Arm
This cluster has always been there, but those little brown spots seem to be getting darker. Just a higher concentration of melanin from sun exposure? For that stupid tan? For Delia’s dumb wedding pictures?! On the upside, that bridesmaid dress can be shredded and repurposed as fun chemo headwear.
Freckle 3 – Neck
You just had to have that third margarita at Jessica’s bachelorette party, passed out, and woke up with THIS thing. Is it really a freckle? Or is it a high-risk mole? Cancer!
Freckle 4 – Wrist
This one’s not very dark, but it does have a small one next to it, like a skipping stone getting farther away. Two freckles? They’re definitely planning something and that something is cancer.
Freckle 5 – Lip
This little guy is just waiting to pop off and fall from your lip into your mouth and then tumble down your esophagus turning everything it touches into cancer. Cancer fucking loves to spread.
Freckles 6 & 7 – Face
You always thought this one made you look a little like Marilyn Monroe. But now you’re older and you know her story. That “beauty mark” is going to make you just like her. Dead. Except by cancer.
Freckle 8 & 9 – Arm
These two have been hanging out together for a while now. The deadly duo. Hiding in the sea of vellus hair. Sharing secrets. About how they’re probably cancer.
Freckle 10 – Shoulder
Does that look raised to you? Your cousin Geoff once said that cancer balloons freckles above the skin line as if reaching towards the sun to soak in more unhealthy rays. Geoff should know. He worked at a summer camp.
Well, there you have it! Cancer, that is. Sorry!