Whoa! This Retinal Implant Allows Scientists to Show Their Dicks to Blind Women

Researchers at the Johnson Eye Lab in Minneapolis, Minnesota have invented a retinal implant that can restore a blind patient’s ability to see the researcher’s dick.


“I can’t imagine what it would be like to be unable to see my dick,” said senior ophthalmologist Jeffrey Johnson. “The successful development of this technology means that no woman will have to experience that kind of horror.”


“Watching a person see your dick for the first time is an incredible experience,” says inventor Dr. Mark Wooten. “I’ve never been prouder of anything in my life. And the retinal implant is very successful, too.”



In current clinical trials, a patient uses a camera to capture the image of the penis. That picture is transmitted to the retinal implant, where it emits small electropulses that replace the function of a patient’s rods and cones. So far, the team has not been able to develop the technology to capture any imagery beyond their own dicks.


This week, a team from the FDA high-fived the research group before licensing the implant as a humanitarian device.


Research groups have struggled for decades to restore vision to blind patients. Previously, the research group experimented with devices that bypass the optic nerve entirely and transmit dick images directly into patient’s brains.


“In the past, if you wanted to get a dick into a patient’s brain, you had to resort to trepanation,” said Dr. Johnson, laughing for some reason. “But now we have the ability to give the ability to see our dicks to any person who is eligible for the implant, which has done wonders for our dicks specifically.”


Patients report mixed experiences with the implant. “I’m looking forward to seeing my daughter’s face, but I don’t really understand why the scientists keep making us look at their dicks,” said Martha Agnew, who received a retinal implant in May. “I guess dicks look about how I expected. You know. They’re fine. I guess.”


On seeing dicks for the first time, other blind women have reported, “Is that all?”