What to Do When You’re an Orthopedic Surgeon and Your Crush Is Texting You

So you’re a successful orthopedic surgeon, but all your friends are too busy also being successful adults to help you figure out what to write back to your crush. Never fear—we’re here to help! Follow these steps to land yourself a man while avoiding those costly malpractice suits.


Do NOT Panic!

You can handle anything from a torn ACL to a total knee replacement, so you can totally handle a text that says, “Hey…” Um, what does that even mean?! Stay calm—you’re in the operating room, after all! Focus on working through the first few layers of muscle, and also make sure your read receipts are off. You don’t want him to think you’re thinking about this too much, especially not during surgery! AWK!!



Draft Your Response

Most people do their best thinking in the shower. For you, it’s the OR! Once you’re elbow-deep in your patient’s knee, get to thinking about how you can reply in a way that shows interest but isn’t too desperate. Think it out—the anesthesia should last up to six hours, so you have time! Be sure to tell your nurses to watch that oxygen as well, since the last time this patient was in for a procedure, he tried to die twice. Not today, Mr. Hirsch!


Edit That Response

You may be a very skilled surgeon, but you also just used three emojis and were about to double text—what are you thinking, Dr. Dumb Dumb?! Take a minute to reflect. This isn’t some simple reconstructive surgery; you’re texting a man that could be your boyfriend! Also make sure not to sever any arteries; that would be really bad.


Take Another Whack at That Response

We get it: You’re a surgeon who wants everything to be perfect, but you certainly don’t have any other friends around to check that text. You might be tempted to ask your OR nurses for advice, but remember that they may be called to testify against you if shit goes south. Be sure to take one more look over that text to make sure you don’t sound crazy. Or weird. Or dumb. Or desperate. Or maybe skillfully misspell one word on purpose, so you can double text without it being weird. Oh! And then you can totes mention being a professional like “*dessert—sorry, long day! You’d think an orthopedic surgeon could spell correctly lol.”



Fire That Bad Boy Off!

You’ve closed 296 surgeries over the course of your career, dammit—you can send this text! Take a deep breath, thread that last suture through your patient’s fragile, elderly flesh, and hit send!


Phew! It got hairy there for a second when Mr. Hirsch’s pulse ox was going off and his heart rate dropped and you almost used four exclamation points, but you made it! Continue to follow our tips and you’ll be able to balance your fulfilling, important career with the mortification of texting your crush.