So you’re trying to get your freak on, but the ingredients in most store-bought lubricants are a little TOO freaky. Hydroxyethl cellulose? No, thanks! Here are some of our favorite green lubes made from ingredients you can actually pronounce that also probably won’t attract nature’s most unholy vermin—cockroaches—to your soft, vulnerable genitalia.
1. Coconut Oil (Trader Joe’s, $5.99)
Coconut oil is solid at room temperature, so it’s easy to scoop out, but liquefies almost as soon as it hits your body heat. It’s full of vitamin E, and we’re almost totally sure that it won’t make cockroaches sniff you out, wriggle inside your vagina, and take up permanent residence in your moist, warm vestibule. You should really get the cracks by your floorboards sealed.
2. Sliquid H2O Natural Intimate Lubricant (Walgreens, $6.99)
Spread your legs and spread some all-natural Sliquid on your snootch! It’s hypoallergenic and unflavored, and chances are it won’t make roaches see your muff as a hospitable place to raise their many-legged young. Shrug! Honestly we’re not sure but we’re leaning toward no, so like, let us know if you do get swarmed. That is our nightmare.
3. Astroglide All-Natural Personal Lubricant & Moisturizer (Walgreens, $11.99)
Astroglide is a time-tested brand, so you know you can trust this product to line your vulva and probably not signal “Free Food” to every cockroach within a five-mile radius. It’s free of glycerin, parabens, and hormones. Plus, we’re pretty sure that the residue left behind between your labial folds won’t serve as delicious bait for nuclear-fallout-surviving insect monsters that are nearly impossible to kill, but no guarantees.
4. YES Organic Intimate Lubricant & Vaginal Moisturizer (Amazon, $18.50)
This luxurious organic lube will make your lady bits irresistible to lovers and hopefully not cockroaches! It’s safe for use with condoms and silicone toys, allowing you to enjoy hot, easy fun that probably won’t make starving arthropods swarm your vajayjay in terrifying numbers.
5. Good Clean Love Cinnamon Vanilla All-Natural Personal Lubricant (LuckyVitamin, $10)
If you like your sex with a little sweetness, just grab this aloe vera-based formula and glide right into the bedroom! With any luck, the mixture won’t curdle in your cooter before demonic insects gnaw through it with their insatiable mandibles and consume you from within. Fingers crossed!
Just choose from any of these affordable, natural lubes, and you’re on your way to chemical-free lovemaking that has at least a 50-50 chance of not eventually making your reproductive organs spill over with a clicking, surging mass of filthy cockroaches that call your cooch their home. We’re rooting for you!