Being single in the city is rough, but luckily we have moms to know exactly who we should be dating! I wish every woman could be as supported as I am—I, who has a mom who tells her who to date, which includes actually every guy who has a name that comes out of my mouth when I talk to her. She’s able to do this over text, on the phone, even on FaceTime. It’s a real skill! Here are all the people my mom thinks I should date.
1. My Friend Lukas
Lukas is my good friend. He is so supportive and kind, and he makes me laugh. He’s also gay. Doesn’t stop my mom from thinking I should go for it! “Now, who is Lukas again? And you say he has a job? Hmm. You should date him. Ah, he’s gay? Well, try.”
2. My Coworker Oliver
Oliver is my acquaintance from work who has a heart of gold, the height of a child, and the skin of Ray Liotta. “Oliver. Is Oliver the one you know from your coed sports team? Ohh, he’s from work. Well . . . see? He has a job. You should date him.”
3. That Guy Timothy
Timothy is my best friend’s hookup buddy. Mom doesn’t know that. “Timothy. Now, how do you know Timothy? What’s his last name? Okay, you don’t have to tell me. Maybe you two should date!”
4. Herb Who Works in My Building
Herb is my doorman. He’s 20 years older than me and is married with two kids. “You know, Herb is really cute. I would date Herb if I weren’t married. He seems nice, too! Should you ask him on a date?”
5. Racist Frank
Frank is on my coed sports team, and he is a racist. “Is Frank the one you know from work? Oh. What’s his last name? Okay, don’t tell me. I’ll look at your Facebook. Date him. He doesn’t have a job? He lost his job because of a word he used in an email? Well, can’t be too choosy.”
6. Clifford, a Stranger
Clifford is a man I passed in the hospital, who was in the same room as a sick friend I was visiting. Clifford was asleep. I mentioned this man to my mom. “Well, he’s breathing! Was he breathing? Maybe date him?”
I actually said something about dusting. “Justin? Who is he? Date him…? Oh, DUSTING. Oh okay. Is he single?”
8. Pearson, the Name of My Company
This is the name of the place where I work. My mom thinks we would be a really good match.
9. Crazy Man Yelling on 28th and 7th as I Passed by While Talking to My Mom on the Phone
“Are you safe? He sounds cute.”
10. Kris, a Woman
Kris is my best friend, and a woman. My mom thinks she’s a boy and that we’ve been casually dating for several years, and wishes I could “make it happen, for me and Dad.”
My mom also says I should date the following men: Oliver, Gregory, Tom, Christian, “Shark,” Frost (was reading an autobiography), James, Caden (baby I mentioned seeing on Facebook), Peter, Lars, Orph (I coughed weird), Wesley, Josh, Mr. Paulson, U-Lock, Henry, and Billup (a bullmastiff). With all these great options, just think of the man I’ll finally end up with! All thanks to my mom. Thanks, Mom!