Ah, seasons! Now that spring is officially here, it’s time to toss that jacket, chuck that beanie, and ditch those boots for a sexy pair of sandals. Unfortunately, chances are your boyfriend is also interested in wearing sandals, too. Here’s how to grit your teeth, take a deep breath, and power through these steps to convince him he is the sole man alive on the planet who looks good in his stupid pair of mandals!
Feign Surprise and Delight
Remember what you had to do when he first showed you his penis? Do the same when he shows you his pale sweaty feet mushing into his brand-new pair of sandals! He’s gonna want your approval, because even the most delusional man knows he looks absolutely terrible in any shoe that isn’t steel-toed or loafered. This is where your acting skills come in. Just smile, say “oh boy,” and nurse his masculinity for as long as he needs until he’s comfortable being seen in public with those straps on his feet.
Change the Subject for as Long as Possible
When bae comes over in his Birkenstocks, do everything in your power to ignore them. Hopefully he’ll just break up with you before he gets the chance to ask your thoughts. If your relationship does last, talk about his other interests— cool bicycles, World War II, Good Will Hunting— anything to distract him from asking you “How do I look?” Once he does ask, pretend you didn’t hear! Ask him about sports. Continue this for as long as you can… it’s for the best, we promise!
Make Strong Allusions to Socks
Once your emotional trickery has made him confident, it’s time to take one last strategic measure to avoid seeing his grotesque leg-fingers without breaking his spirit: socks! Socks are known to be the oil to sandals’ water, but sometimes you can emulsify the two for the greater good of society. Nobody likes to see a person in socks and sandals, but it’s a far cry better than seeing a man sockless in sandals. Your guy loves socks anyway, so don’t be afraid to subliminally suggest he don a pair and let him come up with the idea on his own. For example, you can ask “Did you ever find that missing pair of socks?” or “Socks are great, right? I wish I had some socks right now” or even “I will do that sex thing you asked for if you consider wearing socks, not that you need them because I love you in these sandals, but please babe, socks.”
Offer to Help With Foot Management
Chances are, your boyfriend never cuts his toenails, opting instead to rip his hangnails off when they grow long enough to get a good grip on with his chewed-up little fingers. And he’s most certainly never moisturized his feet or sloughed any dead skin off. This is your chance to treat him to an at-home pedicure! It’s will be a gross and deeply upsetting experience that may put great strain on your relationship, but hey—not as gross and deeply upsetting as the man you love being confident enough to wear sandals to a restaurant. Better go get the footbath.
Post It All Online
If he ignores your sock innuendos and goes foot-commando, citing his dream of wearing a pair of Birkenstocks that he wanted ever since he smoked weed at Governor’s Ball last year, it might be time for you to double down. Take a pic of both your and his feet and post the #SandalMazing pic on Facebook and Instagram for all your followers to see. This is going to be very emotionally challenging, and may cost you a few followers, but will seal the deal in his cute but desperate delusion that he looks anywhere near stylish in sandals. After all, you love him and you can’t just cut his feet off, right? Right??
Hopefully these tips will help you keep him confident about his choice to wear sandals, even though everybody on earth knows men look terrible in them. He’ll be operating under a giant, calculated misapprehension that you enable, but hey—he’ll have some breezy toes. Happy Spring!
