Thanks Hollywood! My Girlfriend Broke Up With Me And Now I Agree That All Lesbian Movies Should Be Sad

For years, I have found joy in railing against the sad, sad lesbians depicted in “artistic” films about what it was like to be gay in the past. Now, I rue my words. After the clarifying experience of being dumped, I see the world with new eyes. All along, Hollywood has been right! A lesbian movie should never, under any circumstances, be happy.

Put simply: Life is pain. You are born, you experience misery, then you die. Especially when you are a lesbian. To love women is to suffer. Like life, love begins and then ends. Ever since my girlfriend left me on the side of the road in a rotten ditch (figuratively speaking, she would never literally do this as she is very kind and bighearted—Avery, call me back), I see that Hollywood and even the independent film scene have been doing justice to this cruel reality.


Why should lesbians be happy? I don’t think they should. Starting today, I am saying YES to all lesbian films that choose to be 2 hours and 45 minutes of whispering followed by 5 minutes of sex where something is off. I don’t want passionate portrayals of true love, I want to see straight women pretend to be gay while doing an accent. And then I want to see those women ripped the fuck apart.



Three days after getting my heart broken, I feel totally confident on this matter. I know that my emotions will never change and every day will be darkness. Some may say that emotions are dynamic by nature, but I say “no no no” while sobbing then hysterically laughing. I look forward to consuming only the media that reflects my cold heart and I look forward to seeing femme women in gowns fail to meet each other’s needs.


Lovers, especially lesbian lovers, should NEVER know peace. Further, uplifting queer stories need to stay the hell away from me. There are already two romantic comedies about lesbians. That is way too much funny stuff. If you are a cute story about gay gen Z high schoolers having a first kiss? That sucks. Art should mirror life. And that life? Should be my life. So thank you to those in Hollywood who see that. Keep up the good work! This lesbian salutes you.