Hey, Momma! Had a rough day? I know you did. All us moms did. Kyle’s been drawing on my leg for half an hour now and I don’t care because at least he stopped screaming about wanting to go to the water park even though I told him it’s the middle of winter. Haha. Anyways, wanna know how I de-stress from another crazy day as a mom? By locking myself in the bathroom! It’s like a mini solo vacay that is just for moms. Anyway, here are my tips for shutting yourself out from the world on your bathroom break!
LOCK THE DOOR.
This is the first step and key to making this feel like a real vacation from your kids. You don’t want their little bodies getting anywhere near you, cause that’s not a vacation. Shove a towel in the crack under the door so they can’t stick their wet little fingers in, or audibly cry your name (Mom) into your private chamber. Believe me, they WILL find their way through that gap, and it WILL be terrifying. Haha, kids!
Set a Timer.
You’re going to want to stay in the bathroom as long as possible, right up until the point where your kids begin poisoning themselves, just to get attention. Four minutes should be short enough to prevent any of their hijinks to turn deadly, while still getting a chance for you to take a friggen load off. Happy kids come from a happy mom who cares if they die. Mom Tip: Just because you’re setting a timer doesn’t mean you shouldn’t hide all the plastic bags.
Soak it Up.
Make the most of this four-minute break, before one of them inevitably figures out how to use a credit card to unlock the bathroom door. Do whatever indulgent thing this means to you. Get in the tub, light an aromatherapy candle, sing a folk song you made up about being a mother whose children all died. I like to rub toothpaste into my face just to wake up my senses and remind myself of the days when I left the house and got to have the occasional bump of cocaine. Try doing a mini-dance. Life is fun sometimes!
If you’re a mom, you probably already know – once you leave this bathroom, those kids aren’t gonna let you take another break for at least a couple hours. They will glue themselves to you and siphon off your life force. So pee now, while you still can.
One of the best ways to unwind is to just stare off into space. Let your brain go to mush, because it probably already is pretty mushy. It’s great to just take a break from thinking about how you have barely enough groceries to get you through afternoon snack and dragging all three of them to the store is going to be a nightmare, and they’ll probably try to sneak the expensive cereal into the cart when you haven’t even had a dime to start Grace’s college fund. These children will wreck you with cereal and you will let them, so go ahead and have a good stare.
Welp, if you’re done reading this, time’s up! Go make sure those little fuckers are still alive and turn on some Leo the Lion so that they’ll hopefully stop pushing you long enough for you to iron that one unstained shirt you have without burning them in the process.