When your Saturday night moves from house party to bar crawl, these are the best beers to pull from your purse in a crowded bar to save money and tell everyone you’re with, “Fuck the plans we made. I’ll be facedown on the couch all day tomorrow.”
PBR Tall Boy
The gold standard of purse beers, the PBR tall boy says, “I know who I am, and that’s someone who peed herself on the dance floor but I’m wearing a skirt, so you can’t prove that that isn’t beer I spilled.” This blue ribbon-winner will have your friends declaring you “The World’s Greatest Flake” when you’re a no-show at boozy brunch tomorrow and text an unconvincing, “omfg I think I ate something bad sry.”
Not Your Father’s Root Beer
Not Your Father’s Root Beer is the purse beer that says, “I’m an adult woman who still wants to drink Mike’s Hard Lemonade, but I’m too embarrassed to do it in public.” Luckily hard root beer is a thing now. The high sugar content makes this a “poundable” pour that will have you doubled over your toilet tomorrow morning while your BFF holds her baby shower without you.
Bud Lite Lime Straw-Ber-Rita
Go for the Straw-Ber-Rita when you want everyone to know that you still keep in touch with your Kappa Sisters even though you work in recruiting now! This purse beer is a magnet for guys with thick necks who will offer to buy you Fireball shots until your eyes fall out and you wake up eight hours after that kickball game you were “so down for” only a day ago.
Jared’s Home Brew
Jared has a beard and a closet full of plaid shirts, so you knew you could find a bottle of home brew in the back of his fridge. It doesn’t taste half bad, which is surprising because Jared sucks at home brew and cleaning his apartment, even when he’s having people over. Clear your docket for the rest of the week. You’re going to be down for the count with a case of botulism (at least that’s what you’ll call it in order to blame Jared for missing your niece’s bat mitzvah).
Brewmeister Snake Venom
This is the purse beer to end all purse beers. Brewmeister Snake Venom is 67.5% ABV (alcohol by volume), and bills itself as “The World’s Strongest Beer,” which means you only need one. But you’re a fucking champ who brought her big bag and a six-pack. When you wake up with no memory of last night and no thought of the thing you’re supposed to be at, you’ll be able to retrace your steps by following the trail of hair extensions you left in your wake.
Sunday plans are fun, but they’ll cost you the ability to really rage on Saturday. Tote these purse beers to let people know you will not be attending tomorrow’s events.