Meal Delivery Services To Make You Feel Like A Depressed Astronaut

If you’re a busy lady who’s too busy to cook, you might want to consider signing up for a meal delivery service! These pre-portioned meal plans are conveniently delivered to your doorstep, often inside little vacuum-sealed plastic bags to keep the ingredients fresh, like the food an astronaut eats on a lonely, year-long expedition that tests the limits of what humans can truly endure. Here are some meal delivery services to make you feel like a depressed astronaut.

 

Blue Apron

Arguably the gold standard of meal delivery services, Blue Apron is perfect for a woman on the go who doesn’t mind eating the same thing over and over until everything tastes like grey mush, a routine embraced by the great men and women who volunteer to be blasted into space for science. Treat yourself to the crispy cod and yuzu-shoyu soba. As you attempt to untangle the wad of noodles clumped in the center of your plate, just know that you are traveling in the proud footsteps of the world’s most depressed space heroes. So cool!

 

HelloFresh

HelloFresh is, you guessed it, more pre-portioned food in sad little baggies. You could have gone grocery shopping, but you didn’t you sad loser! You’re eating a meal for one that came in a box. Oh well! At least there’s no chance you’ll be sucked out into the vacuum of space from the safety of your Earth kitchen. Just embrace your lifestyle and move on!

 

Plated

Of all the meal delivery services, Plated offers the most choices to help you cling to precious few threads of your sanity – whether you’re in space or at home on Earth.

Sure, a steak could run as high as $30, but you’re adopting the proud tradition of our nation’s best and brightest. Cut a baggie open, salute the flag, and dive in!

 

 

Freeze-Dried Ice Cream

Ok this one’s not a meal delivery service, but you’re already eating all your meals out of plastic bags, so why not just go full astronaut? Actually, it’s unclear whether astronauts actually eat this sickeningly sweet novelty snack, but you ate them a bunch as a kid so this seems like the right way to go. Go sit in the smallest room you can find, and chow down on this sad, sad food. Your children miss you back on Earth!

 

Sure, these meal plans make get a little repetitive and result in you yearning for the sweet release of death, drifting hopelessly into the endless abyss of space like George Clooney in Gravity, but think of all the time you’ll be saving! Bon Appétit!

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