You love to get off just as much as the next hot-blooded American woman, but nothing gets you wetter than the fear that you’re not good enough for the man you’re with. It can be hard to keep yourself aroused without a man judging your body and making subtle remarks about your physical appearance. Luckily, the next time you’re alone and itching to bone, you can use these simple tricks to neg yourself so you can do it on your own!
Rub your clit while telling yourself that your roots are showing.
Ask yourself insulting questions like, “Is your hair supposed to look like that?” as you hit up your sensitive areas. For maximum pleasure, put on a backwards baseball cap and tell yourself you need to “try harder” if you want to feel insecure enough to reach climax.
Insist on touching yourself only with the lights off.
Your body is so unappealing that even you can’t bear to look at it while you’re pleasuring yourself. As you turn off the light and fumble to find your clit in the dark, just remember that you should feel lucky that a body like yours is even capable of getting a lazy handy. If that’s not enough to make you cum, then you don’t deserve it, anyway.
Start a grad school application as you start your vibrator at the same time.
As you twist and turn that little magic bullet in your shooting range, open up a new business or law school application on your computer. With every question you dread to answer, like, “Tell us about your biggest accomplishment,” you’ll get closer and closer to orgasm. Make sure to only start the application and never finish, which is like edging but for your self-esteem. Meanwhile, you’ll be finishing in a different way, if you know what I mean.
Talk dirty to yourself with that annoying voice of yours.
Say filthy things to yourself like, “how could anyone get aroused by a voice like that?” and then think about how you hate your own voice. Self-hate can really get your juices flowing in the way that male condescension usually does. Try plugging your ears and asking yourself to use an “indoor voice” as you start to come. Don’t stop!!
Stop halfway through masturbating to check your Tinder messages.
If you were more attractive maybe you wouldn’t have gotten so distracted halfway through. When you get insulted by a guy you’re not even that into on Tinder, you’ll be wondering to yourself, “why did I go on there? Do I even like me?” The answer is no, but you’ll be screaming, “Yes yes YES” as you finish yourself off.
Nothing gets a girl going like the gruff barely concealed insults of a man. When you don’t have a hottie on hand to take you to that special place, use these negs on yourself to get it done, girl!