For ten years, I’ve been dating, playing games, and going totally crazy over men, and no good has ever come of it—not even something as simple as a text message letting me know that they had a good time the other night. So I’ve decided to swear off men forever. I am officially done with m—wait, did my phone buzz?
Yeah, I fucking hate men.
As a straight girl, it isn’t easy to swear off men, but it’s gotten to the point that it’s worth it. They are no longer a part of my life plan. I’m tired of devoting time to the men who treat us terribly time and time again—like, for example, not responding to a perfectly cute, flirty, and casual text of “What’s up?” with a salsa dancer emoji. I don’t even want to know “what’s up” anymore; I want to know what’s up with that, you know? You can’t even go on a date with a guy without them expecting something in return; is it not reasonable for me to expect a response within an hour of sending a text? Though I suppose I could understand if he were in a meeting. Or left his phone at home. Or his phone broke. But as long as he isn’t texting, I never want to see another man as long as I—okay, I definitely heard it vibrate that time!
Oh, it was your phone?
Great, because I have so many plans to fulfill myself in other, more productive ways.
Frankly, I’m a suave, sophisticated woman who has been cheated emotionally and intellectually by men all my life. What makes this dude so different? You know what, he doesn’t even deserve me. No man does! It’s so liberating to be done with dating and men in general. As if I want to actually commit to someone, eventually move in with them, and then have to deal with them always leaving the toilet seat up? No thanks. If you can’t even text back, how could I trust you to put the seat down every time you use our bathroom when we are engaged and living together on the Upper West Side and spending our weekends in the park and at bakeries and drinking brunch cocktails? I haven’t experienced a relationship as intimate and fulfilling as the one I’ve imagined for us because men are garbage. Seriously, fuck him. Fuck all the men—wow okay I FELT that one!
Oh, it was just gas?
Never mind, fuck all the men.
It’s time for me to focus on myself and my career. I’m going to devote my time to things that really matter, like the environment! And joining PETA! Men have been a distraction for too—OH MY GOD, I GOT A TEXT, I DEFINITELY GOT A TEXT. NOW IS THE MOMENT IN WHICH HIS TEXT IS MINE.
UGH. False alarm, it’s just T-Mobile telling me I used up my 75% of my data plan. DAMMIT T-MOBILE.
Whatever, it’s not like I’m expecting anything. Like I was saying, I am going to have so much free time now that I’m expelling all male influence from my life, and I am going to use that to be a productive and successful member of society. But, as long as I have free time, I may just stop by the T-Mobile store to make sure my phone is working. Just in case. No more men!