It all started innocently enough this past December at my company’s White Elephant gift exchange. As I peeled back the wrapping paper to reveal a Chia Pet, I found myself wishing that I had just stolen Steve’s gift card to Applebee’s.
But as the days passed, that strange, sprouting terra cotta Garfield figurine started to grow on me. Those giant blissed-out catnip eyes and knowing smirk pierced my soul from where it sat on my desk. And the science of it all was thrilling—seeds plus water equals superfood! Do you even KNOW the benefits of adding chia to your diet? It’s insane.
It happened one day when I realized that the Chia seeds on Garfield’s head were the same delicious Chia Seeds I ate every day as part of my health routine. The ones I sprinkle into cereals, oatmeal, salads, breads, and smoothies. The ones I had precipitously ran out of just that morning. God I loved those seeds. All I needed to do was get my hands on some seeds. When I got to my local health food store and saw they were closed, I was stunned.
That’s when I heard the haunting jingle echoing in the dark recesses of my mind: “Ch-ch-ch-chia!”
My logical brain was telling me to just give it a day. My emotional brain was screaming: “I HATE MONDAYS, TOO!” I couldn’t stop looking over at him as I worked at my desk. And just as quickly as Garfield demolishes a pan of lasagna, I started feasting on Garfield. Was it inhumane? I’m not so sure, but it gave me the boost of energy I needed to get me through the day. Is that so wrong?
In my defense, it’s not like it was a Barack Obama Chia Pet, which would have been kind of disrespectful (also somehow kinda racist). On a scale of sensitive to heartless, I’m like in that middle, gray area where people who genuinely enjoy watching The Bachelor exist. Plus, I’ve never felt healthier! And Garfield’s not really a real cat, right? Seriously, I’m not a bad person…Right?