Emotional support animals have been in the news a lot lately. Specifically, because airlines are starting to crack down on the many people that abuse the service animal designation simply to get their pets onto flights for free. But I really do need this emotional support dog. You know, in case I have to take a shit on this plane.
I’ve always had a bit of anxiety around pooping in unfamiliar places. I won’t even shit at work unless it’s an absolutely dire situation. That anxiety is almost unbearable on a plane. The turbulence, the altitude, the way that your shit just sort of sits there on top of that flap – it’s all too much for me. That’s why I have this poodle mix named Debra. She calms me down when my stomach starts bubbling at 35,000 feet, and that’s why I need her to sit on my lap throughout the duration of this flight.
I’m not even afraid of flying. I love flying! I am afraid taking a difficult shit on a plane that’s so rancid, all the engines stop working and we plummet to the ground. I mean, can you imagine if my shit was the cause of death for hundreds of people? Also, those bathrooms are just like, gross. You know? Thank god I have this fluffy little poof to keep me relaxed while my head is reeling with these shit nightmares.
In the past, I would just hold in my plane shits until my stomach hurt. Then I would pop a Xanax just to stay chill while I flew with my guts in a knot. But I was willing to do anything not to shit on that flap! Now I just hug Debra and she gives me the courage to just man-up and drop a deuce in a plane toilet just like everybody else.
No, my dog doesn’t have any specific training to coach me through my shits. I got the certification online. But my therapist did agree that I was “emotionally disturbed.” Specifically, when I told her about that fear of my disgusting shits crashing a plane.
Anyway, please let me take my dog on this flight. She’s a certified emotional support animal! If I’m not allowed to bring her, I truly have no idea what will happen. I just ate three Auntie Annie’s pretzels and an Au Bon Pain meat platter so let’s just say, my dog is gonna have to help me shit on this plane.