Could someone let me know how we’re all feeling about Coldplay? I mean, I obviously have my own opinions, and I can definitively say that Coldplay is either the worst excuse for a major rock group in the history of music, or my favorite band. Could someone let me know the consensus on this? I’m stuck. They’re bland, pandering, pasty millionaires who churn out factory-made pop nonsense, right? And I have all of their albums, even the B-sides and live stuff.
What a bunch of wankers, is a thing I’m testing out saying about Coldplay. Also: they’re derivative, they’re U2-lite, they’re responsible for scourges like The Fray and Snow Patrol.
But maybe my position is we need to cool it with the Coldplay-bashing? I have cried listening to “How to Save a Life.” There are worse bands out there, I guess, and these guys have an impressive catalogue of earnest and accessibl—oh FUCK I forgot about the Gwyneth thing. Shit. And he named his kid Apple. God he’s the worst.
Here’s the truth. I’m an adult, and Coldplay’s discography is like a Kidz Bop cover of early Radiohe—OH MY GOD, BUT I COMPLETELY FORGOT ABOUT FIX YOU, you GUYS, everyone loves Fix You, right, how can you not love Fix You? Although I guess I can see how it’s kind of pandering and contrived.
What if I tested the waters by being into them ironically? I could like them in earnest again if that’s where we are, but I don’t want to rush anyone. I could, like, make a hilarious mix-tape for a party, that, I don’t know, opened with Yellow, transitioned to some deep tracks like Green Eyes or See You Soon, and then closed with The Scientist and it would either be hilarious and show how evolved my tastes are because I can goof on cheesy stuff like that are or we could cry and hold each other because love is real and time is fleeting. I’ll wait for your cue. So just roll your eyes while laughing or passionately sing along. I could get on board with either.
