Whether your little bundle of joy is gestating inside your body or hatching from a pile of externally fertilized eggs, the name you choose for your offspring will have a big impact on their lives. So don’t settle for some disgusting land name like Brandy, John, or Gwyneth. Connect them to your mermaid roots with one of these deliciously unique names from under the sea.
Gglllyrryg (girl): Creative spelling transforms a stodgy, traditional mermaid name into something fresh and edgy. Glyryg is your grandma. But Gglllyrryg? She’s a senator, a singer, a sailor’s desperate hallucination … anything she wants to be!
Triton (girl): Smash the patriarchy by claiming the underwater kingdom’s most powerful male name for your daughter. Who run the sea? Girls! (Note: This name is only for land dwellers, as defiling the name of Triton by bestowing it upon a female water creature is punishable by death.)
Blublub (girl): Inspired by the sound men make while drowning, this name pays homage to the ancient mermaid art of luring sailors to their death. The name Blublub exudes confidence, intelligence, and the ability to calm an angry sea with the blood of men.
Sand-Glug (girl) or Kelp-Ffwump (boy): Combine two common merfolk names to invent an elegant and exotic new name. Other interesting pairings include Algae-Glyryg (unisex), Spume-Bwabb (boy), and Clam-Dolphin (girl).
Ethel (girl): A controversial figure in mermaid history, Ethel (formerly Eeeeeiiiii) was arguably the ocean’s first feminist. She’s the only mermaid to ever go back to the sea after living on land. She had to bathe her feet in the blood of a handsome prince to earn her return. But he was kind of a dick to her at that point so she was cool with it.
Mihi Vindicta Defendat Ab (girl): It’s possible one of your ancestors was the wood-carved figurehead on the prow of a ship that came to life after the pirate Yellow Hook made a deal with the devil. If so, you and your daughter are entitled to the haunted treasure he buried on the island of Zuu’aal. Ward off the treasure’s curse by naming your child after the words of this protective incantation.
Ahhheeahheee (girl): Your daughter will definitely be the only Ahhheeahheee at her school. While common among first-generation mermaid land immigrants, this name is rarely used by those who didn’t exchange their tongue for legs. Pronounced like rapid exhalations of pain, Ahhheeahheee means “every cursed step with human feet feels like walking upon knives.”
Fish (boy): Teach your son to be loud and proud about his aquatic ancestry. He may not have a penis, but that’s OK. Mermaids aren’t interested in penises at all. Penises are not the reason mermaids strike gruesome bargains with sea witches for a chance to live on land. It’s a coincidence that land is home to human men, who just happen to have penises.
Pez (boy): This is how you say fish in Spanish. It’s also a pretty cool name!
Should land become a dystopian hellscape too nightmarish to bear, one of these kicky names will ensure that your child will fit right in after you relocate to the ocean floor.