Before you give birth to the tiny individual your mother will no doubt use as a pawn to further guilt and manipulate you, start your child’s life off right by making the first passive-aggressive move: Name your baby something your mother will hate. You can’t help genetics, but you have the power to choose the best baby name to spite Grandma.
The Name of Your Real Father
Expecting a boy? Give him the name of your real father, and not the man she married. You’ve always known what she means when she imbibes too much Chardonnay and waxes poetic on the fling she had right before her empty marriage to your rich banker “father”. Naming your son after her offbeat former golf instructor, Franck, will be a constant reminder of all her missed opportunities and failed dreams. Maybe she’ll finally stop reminding you what a terrible idea it was to get a B.A. in English.
The Name of Your Most Emotionally Stable Relative
For added spite, name your daughter after your mom’s sister who actually has her shit together. Aunt Deborah doesn’t call you just to tell you how sad and lonely she is, remind you there are plenty of job opportunities nearby, and ask why you had to move so far away. Aunt Deborah gave you weed and really good sex advice during your formative years.
Whatever She Was Planning on Naming Her Next Cat
Mom has been filling the massive void in her life with furry feline friends, which she never fails to talk about in more glowing terms than she does you. Show her you’ve been listening! She already has a Tigger, Smokey, Chloe and Ginger. Name your human baby Cadillac.
Your Mother’s Name, But Replace the Beginning with “Schm-“
Nothing invalidates the meaning of something quite the way adding “Schm-” to the beginning of a name does. Schmadolf Schmitler. See? What a joke. Now add it to the beginning of your mother’s name and write it on a legally valid birth certificate to officially have the last laugh. Schmangie.
Giving your kid a crappy name might affect the relationship you have with your child, but if he or she ever brings it up, just remind everyone all you’ve sacrificed for your child and how you are never appreciated or understood. Just like their grandmother.