Congratulations! After years of cajoling, you’ve convinced Dan that moving in with him is the best next step in your relationship. The problem is, you no longer have a whole apartment to yourself for quiet, contemplative farting. You’ll be damned if you expose him to the sheer frequency and strength of your flatulence. But don’t stress about it! Simply don your weekend warrior hats and together tackle these bathroom renovations to sneakily transform the space into your own tranquil fart cave.
Deck the Walls with Textured Wallpaper
Wallpaper is making a big comeback, and a nice, textured print will muffle noise and offer a calming warmth as you fart your way through a bath. Consider two, three layers—whatever your level of comfort. It will be cute when Dan gets wallpaper paste all over his face; he has no idea of the damage you’ll be doing in there.
Surround Yourself with a Wall of Sound
Walk into any Starbucks and you can rely on an earful of jazzy alternative folk. You can apply that same principle to your bathroom. Nature sounds, white noise or your favorite music can be looped through a simple set of surround sound speakers to create ambience and drown out your piercing farts. And you’ll fart easier when you’re unable to hear Dan’s Call of Duty playing in the other room.
Add Sconces, Statues, Shelves
Turn your laser-like focus on acoustic redirection with fart-absorbent wall accessories and décor. Fill the walls with a variety of sharp-angled items to create a sound maze of sorts. Like an echo in a canyon, Dan won’t have any clue where those thunderous claps are coming from.
Dare to Double Your Doors
Most people have foyers in their homes—and you can create your own welcoming entryway in your bathroom! The main door will lead you into a “holding chamber” of sorts where Dan can remain as the noxious fumes dissipate. The security provided by an extra door will allow for a transitional, no-fart zone and a buffer between your personal haven and the outside world.
Play it Cool with Candles
If all these ideas crumble below the weight of your expectations, just commit to spending 10% of your paycheck on candles. Good ones. Dollar store candles are not gonna cut it this time.
Just because you’re now sharing your space, doesn’t mean you have to share your farts. Keep calm and fart on with these tranquil space making ideas.