Six Thanksgiving Pies that Won’t Fix What Happened In Ferguson

Thanksgiving is just around the corner, and it’s time to make some pie! If you’re concerned about living in a country that hasn’t changed since Emmett Till, you’ll probably want to mix up your go-to holiday recipes in hopes of eating those pesky feelings in a whole new way. Here are six festive pies that have no chance of neutralizing your grief over Ferguson:


Bacon Apple Pie

There’s nothing more American than apple pie! The bacon will take on the sweetness from the pie, and the savory flavors will have everyone craving a second slice. Your guests will remember this treat for years to come, but they won’t remember the countless unarmed civilians who have died at the hands of the police. The lattice’s rich caramelized flavor won’t do a thing to fix the situation in Ferguson.




Pumpkin Cheesecake Pie Pops

These adorable bite-sized pops are a fun twist on a recipe as old as blind hatred. It’s best to make the dough the day before and refrigerate overnight, while you sit awake, unsure of what to do, or if there’s anything you can do, really. Eating dessert off a stick will put a smile on your face, which will be immediately be wiped off your face by a racist remark from your libertarian cousin. These seasonal confections, while playful and unique, will have literally no impact on the grave injustice that occurred in Missouri this week.




Cranberry Vanilla Cream Pie

This recipe’s so easy, even your kids, who you’re not sure how to keep safe from police violence, can help! You can whip up the crust while staring off into space, wondering if the grand jury actually knew what the word “indictment” meant. The sugared cranberries will add a sweetness that will in no way correct the way white authorities see young black men.






Cherry Almond Tartlets

Having individual desserts will be extra convenient for when everyone goes into separate rooms after an all-out screaming match about probable cause. The sweet-tart kick will have your guests saying, “Wow!” before they continue to say, “People should respect cops, period.”








Rustic Apple Tart

If you have any foodies at your table, chances are they’ll love this minimalist interpretation of a classic! Distract your loved ones from this country’s inexplicable militarization of local police with a deconstructed crust. For an even more provincial touch that won’t promote any kind of healing in Ferguson, keep the peels on the apples! This treat’s homespun charm will distract you for eleven seconds before you remember that grand juries will always side with the state.




Store-Bought Crap + Wine

Set the oven to 350°. Turn off oven. Pick up some garbage loaf from 7-Eleven. Drink wine. Keep drinking wine. Drink that wine. Keep going. More wine. Is there still wine outside your body? Take that wine and put it in your body. Keep going until all the wine is in you or has been peed out of you.




These fun holiday pies will fill your belly, but they’ll never fix what happened in Ferguson because they are food and Ferguson is the result of centuries of state-sanctioned violence. Happy Thanksgiving!