You’ve probably already decided that staying sober for Thanksgiving isn’t an option this year. But it’s important to strike a balance between sloppily blacking out in a pie and being so alert that you can keenly sense every bit of judgment from your family. The key to emotionally surviving this day is a steady and solid buzz. Follow these tips for strategically altering your mental state just enough to feign excitement for your younger sister’s engagement while remaining blissfully unaware of her new fiancé’s advances on your mom.
Vodka Cranberry Sauce!
Impress everyone by bringing more than just a can-shaped gelatinous blob of corn syrup and showing up with red Jell-O shots instead. Suck down a dollop every hour and you’ll be adequately prepared to stay quiet while your Grandfather refers to your brother Michael’s six-year marriage to John as a “no-girl phase.”
Was this your Cabernet by the sink? Did you leave your Scotch in the living room? Yes and yes. Sporadically place seven drinks in the prime mingling locations and whenever someone thanks your mom for doing all the work without even vaguely offering to help, just reach for the nearest glass!
Gin is occasionally made from potatoes, right? Stir in three shots per spud and hit the casserole dish every time anyone asks you what you’re doing with your life. By the time you go back for thirds, you’ll be able to elaborately lie your way into an answer that just might sustain them until Christmas.
Reward yourself with one pint of real water whenever Aunt Joan makes a backhanded compliment on your poverty-induced weight loss. So what if you no longer have a career or a relationship and your apartment is overrun with cat-sized rodents? Your semi-protruding clavicle in that Anne Taylor blouse is all the success you need!
Exploit the “kids” table!
Jake is a freshman in college now and that third chin he recently developed says there’s a solid chance he smuggled one of those 900-calorie boozy energy drinks that may or may not have been banned by the FDA circa 2009. Take a sip each time you hear the phrase “time flies,” because memories are for nerds and you’re the cool cousin now.
Intravenous drip one liter of gold tequila into your right arm “just because”
Whatever. You deserve it.
Now that you know how to maintain that sweet spot between sober and over, you’ll have one more thing to be thankful for this holiday, and it’s not “everyone being in the same place:” it’s being in that elusive zone between Drink two and Drink three! And if by some chance you go a little overboard, at least you’ll wake up with a good, clean buzz.