5 Life Hacks for a Bloodless Thanksgiving

Halloween is dead and we now approach Thanksgiving, which everybody knows is the original hunger game. Thanksgiving is a traditional emotional slaughterfest accompanied by a turkey dinner, and the root of everything that is wrong with you and your family. If everything is about to come falling down now that the holidays are near, here are a few hacks to avoid bloodshed upon the cornucopia you so tenderly pinned to your November Wedding board:



You aren’t a modern family until you’ve tried Xanax inside of a turkey inside of a chicken. For a plump and juicy bird, baste the carcass with your tears every twenty minutes. Don’t worry, you’ll have plenty.


Make Two Dinners and Keep One in the Laundry Room.

If your sons are too busy being assholes to help you set the table, slip away and enjoy dinner with your real family, the Roomba and Olivia Pope. The Xanax will eventually kick in and keep your bloodthirsty children from wondering where you went.


Donate Your Kitchenware and Appliances

Thanksgiving is the one day a year that homeless people get to eat, and it is because the rest of us decide to feed them. Donating your luxury appliances will not only make you feel good, but will also keep you from stuffing Grandma’s hands in the blender again. That’s TWO great gestures for the price of one.


Return from West Africa.

The best Thanksgiving is a quiet Thanksgiving, and what better way to relax than to let the family know that you are on a government-ordered isolation? Pass the cranberry plasma serum, please.


Give Presents to Quiet the Violence

Everyone knows Thanksgiving is a second-class holiday, but is just as guilty of promoting consumerism as Jesus himself. Nothing will shut your kids up like trading their knife collection for a Nintendo DS (or whatever kids play with now, I don’t know). Preventing the usual Thanksgiving knife fight is really that easy.



If none of these ease your Thankxiety over the time-honored bloodbath at your Thanksgiving table, just remember: this is where you get your power.