How To Let Your Shitty Baby Know She’s Not Better Than You

So, you had a baby — congratulations! By now you’ve had the shower, sorted out the teething toys and animal-themed onesies, posted newborn pictures to social media, and passed your little one around for loved ones to coddle. But now the honeymoon is over, and you’re stuck with this smarmy little baby who’s always trying to act like her needs are more important than yours. Lucky for you, there are some tried-and-true tips to let your baby know she’s not better than you at all. You’re the queen of this castle, and she better learn that, quick.


Challenge Her To A Political Debate

Oh, is she the cutest? Is she the cutest widdle baby in all the land? Well, being cute won’t cut it when you challenge her to a debate about immigration reform! Watch her struggle to form coherent sounds — let alone debate actual talking points! You’ll not only remember your inherent superiority, but you’ll finally be able to put that political science degree to use.


Challenge Her To Yoga

She has such soft pure skin, such perfectly sparkly little eyes, but can she do a downward-facing dog? Didn’t think so! This is an ideal tactic, because you’re extending measures of kindness while flaunting your physical superiority. Don’t waste the opportunity to chuckle about how her play-doh like body can’t even pull off child’s pose yet! What a shitty baby.


Ask Her About Her Craziest Dating Stories

Does she already possess the charm of a young Meryl Streep? Maybe. Does she light up a room with every gurgle and aspirational hand grab? Perhaps. Did she ever end up downing all-you-can-eat pancakes at a truck stop with Harold during a dark period in her life, before nearly getting pregnant on the road? I bet not! Dating stories are a prime bonding technique and also a casual way to assert that you are more experienced and interesting than she’ll ever be (for now, at least).


School Her At Karaoke

Once you get her past the pesky doorman, karaoke will prove a fun experience for all! Will her unique way of metabolizing this new world make her a good singer in the future? Possibly — but tonight she’s still a stupid baby who can’t even lip sync the lyrics to Elastica’s “Connection,” let alone belt it like you can! Give her a few chances to try out karaoke, before saving her from crawling off the stage in frustration. Let her know it’s okay, she was gonna experience failure eventually. Just look at her.



Invite Her To A Clothing Exchange

While she might look devastatingly adorable in every single outfit she wears, she’ll be an awkward guest at an all-grown women clothing exchange. Watch in smug delight as other guests decline the outfits she brought, some pondering how pointless it was for a baby to even show up. Yeah, she might still be killing it in that mauve onesie, but you’re the one who gets to take home five of Susie’s old college cardigans! She can’t fit into anything! Get it together, you shitty baby!


Proper application of these techniques will be foolproof in letting your shitty baby know she’s not better than you, funnier than you, prettier than you, or slated for any future happiness, if you can help it! It’s time to shut that shitty baby of yours down.