If you’ve ever tried to research birth control, you know that there is an overwhelming array of information out there. To cut through all the contraception confusion, here is a list of ten facts about birth control that have not been confirmed by medical experts, but were hypnotically recited to me by a talking cat in a dream I had after too much rum and Ambien:
If you take your pill between the hours of 6am and 7am each day, a pumpkin grows in your belly.
This one seems kinda out there, and it was the first thing the cat said, so I was definitely skeptical. I was like, “Wait a second, in college I took my pill at exactly that time and I never grew a pumpkin,” and the cat was like, “Oh really? At exactly that time? Every day?” and I was like, “Touché, dream cat.”
The pull-out method works, but only if he “knows what he’s doing” because he “does it all the time.”
There was a moment when the cat briefly morphed into Jared and then changed back again.
If you don’t have a condom, you can use mayonnaise.
I should have asked a follow-up question about this one.
I.U.D. stands for Illicit Undoer of Dong-Juice.
How did we never know this????
In a pinch, your NuvaRing can double as a hula hoop for Barbies.
Waiting for the right time to try this hack.
If you have sex during a full moon, it is impossible to get pregnant but you may turn into a bird.
By this time I was fully on board for everything the cat/Jared had to say.
If you turn into a bird, you may experience irregular periods.
Look out below!
While we now have birth control methods that boast 99.9% effectiveness, the most reliable way to avoid getting pregnant is magical thinking.
“But don’t overthink it,” said the cat, pausing to chew on a string.
The reason cats never get pregnant is because they lick their own butts.
Haven’t you always wondered about this? I wanted to ask the cat more, but my mouth had turned into a snail.
The second most reliable way to avoid getting pregnant is to lick your own butt.
Here the cat assumed the body of a horse and the face of Pastor Joe. It galloped off into the ocean before I could ask it for any more information on my birth control choices.
Now I wait patiently each night, hoping the cat will reappear and answer my questions about tubal ligation. Until then, I will remain in the dark. But all of this research may ultimately be for naught, anyway. According to the cat, they are currently developing male birth control, and that will definitely change everything.