Zookeepers and animal lovers everywhere are over the moon after the Smithsonian Zoo announced they will be holding a Prom night in the hopes that their Giant Pandas enter then follow through on a pact to lose their virginity afterward.
“It’s a brilliant idea,” shared zoologist Courtney Randall. “Prom is a magical night when high schoolers dance and celebrate before starting the next chapter of their lives—getting plastered and hooking up. Or at least that’s what I saw in that movie Superbad.”
“Have you seen that movie Blockers? I loved that one too,” Randall added.
Giant Pandas, the notoriously adorable and lumbering cuties, are currently a vulnerable species after infrastructure development distanced pandas populations and caused them to be socially awkward nerds ready to enter a pact to swipe their V-cards on Prom Night.
Smithsonian’s Prom Night is perfectly lined up with the one time a year when female pandas ovulate and the 36-40 hours that male pandas have to inseminate the egg, which the zoo expects will go down at the after-party or in the car on the way there.
While the zoo is careful not to pressure the stigmas of losing one’s virginity or perpetuate the idea that it requires vaginal penetration, they are extremely hopeful that Prom Night will encourage the pandas to fucking get it and finally enter the Bone Zone.
“We’ve been teaching them abstinence-only based sex ed to ensure they don’t use protection. If this whole thing doesn’t work, we’ll have to settle for artificial insemination or, God forbid, host graduation night,” shared Smithsonian’s Events Director Sheryl Solomon.
“Also, growing up, I loved American Pie,” commented Solomon.
Fortunately, Giant Pandas’ iconic black and white fur is inherently semi-formal attire. The pressure to set up a promposal spectacle is also taken care of as the Smithsonian Zoo is only host to two pandas, who are presumed to already be Prom King and Queen.
An anonymous source suggested alcohol will be provided by whichever animal can score some in the liquor store parking lot or has an older sibling who can buy.
At press time few zoo staffers had confirmed if they saw the 2013 movie The To Do List.
