The holidays are upon us and so is flu season, making it a great time to gather with loved ones, offer joy and merriment, and share a horrible virus. You’re somehow always sick and unhappy this time of year, but that’s no excuse not to touch the people who care about you the most. Be the warmest, most loving person in your home as you slowly kill your loved ones with kindness and a particularly dangerous strain of influenza.
1. Use a thin tissue.
Who doesn’t love a holiday-decorated, single-ply tissue to rub on your Rudolph-red nose during the office Christmas party? Wipe away until all that goodness has soaked right through to your fingertips. Then shake hands with everyone at the party, making sure to use both hands and caress a friend’s cheek here and there. Why is Jen so chipper? Offer her chips and other snacks that you grabbed straight out of the bowl. That’s what kind people do.
2. Share your eggnog with everybody!
Taste that eggnog and announce to the room that everyone has to try it! Take another sip (it’s fine if there’s backwash), and then show your kindness by sharing your holiday love with everyone in the room. Scott has an egg allergy and won’t take it? Share a sip from your handy flask of whiskey. Remember: Drinking with the flu is a bad idea, so only take small sips and share your gifts as much as possible.
3. Kiss everyone, with your tongue.
Show everyone how happy you are to be sharing the holidays with them by giving them exuberant wet kisses. You’re not sad about heading home to a cold dark apartment to listen to the lonely sound of your own cough. The sloppier the kiss, the more cheerful you’ll seem. Plant a few on people’s mouths, just to be sure.
4. Sneeze on the pumpkin pie you are bringing to the office party.
Your pumpkin pie was a huge hit last year, and your colleagues have been begging you for another one this time around. Oblige their squash-centric desires with your homemade masterpiece. And just before you place it on the table for everyone to dig into, sneeze all over it, making it a killer pie they’ll remember while lying in bed moaning with a fever for the next seven days. It’s not your fault – you were just sharing joy!
5. Don’t say it. Spray it!
Singing holiday carols helps everyone feel warm and fuzzy. This year, turn those merry melodies into mucous melodies that gush from your mouth like a festive fountain of phlegm. Sing loud and proud, spraying kindness and joy through the break room, onto people’s computer keyboards – everywhere. You’ll bring a smile to the face of everyone around you with your jolly jingle of contagion.
The holidays are the best time for spreading all kinds of things. So share some love, good food and whatever viral effluvium comes with it. Happy holidays!