Men are complicated! And the only way to figure a man out is to stay up until 4am psychotically digging through every single thing he’s ever said or clicked on the internet. Whether you’re investigating a new beau, and old fling, or every man you’ve ever met, here’s how to dig so deep down into his page that you hit that molten core of the Earth.
Hit the Crust
If you’re not Facebook friends with him yet, send that friend request immediately. Digging to the inside of the world takes time and no time should be wasted thinking, “Um, um, is it weird if I friend him now?” It’s not. Guys are not scared of random friend requests so get in there, girl! At least go as far back as 2009, or just past the Earth’s crust. Every Facebook-stalking journey must start with the first step, even your own journey to the center of the Earth.
Reach the Mantle
The mantle layer makes up 84% of Earth’s total volume, and this layer of information is where you’re going to find 84% of the information you want about this guy. Where is he from? What does he really do besides what he says in his About Me? Was he ever fatter or thinner than he is now? His Facebook page will eventually lead you to all his other social media platforms where you can find out if he has he ever called a woman a cunt in a Youtube comment or Amazon review. This is the level where you look pretty far down his Instagram, making sure not to accidentally double tap, and find out if any of his exes looked like you. But these are still just basics because you’re only like halfway to the core of the Earth.
Congratulations, you’ve hit the outer core where all the stuff that really matters lives! Just when you thought you’ve seen everything there is to see about this guy, a single click takes you to his “emo” phase where he sang songs to the camera, cried, and thought it was art. You now officially know too much about this person and next time you see him, it’s going to be weird to act like you don’t know all this stuff. But that won’t stop you from hitting the last and final stage of digging, which is where things get very hot and you just might perish.
The inner core is where you will come face-to-face with the question: Do I really want to see what’s on his Reddit? You don’t, but of course you can’t not. And yes, Reddit is the core of the Earth. And now you know things you will never un-know. Now you are as molten as his shitty past!
You did it, you made it to the core of the Earth. Congratulations, you don’t like him anymore and your work here is done!