You finally did it! After years of anticipation, you finally scored tickets to the touring company of Hamilton and you’re so psyched, you don’t even care that you spent an entire month’s rent. Congrats, you extravagant bitch! At this point, posting a pic of yourself holding the Hamilton program with wooden rafters in the background is a little sad! Sure, it’s thrilling for you and you’re experiencing a full body high, but by now your friends would literally be more impressed by a pic of the seared ahi tuna salad you had for lunch today. Even though you’re pissing yourself with excitement, here are some tips on how to act super casual about seeing Hamilton to avoid seeming like you still care about the almost three-year-old Broadway hit.
Be absorbed in your phone while waiting in line at the theater.
Even if you’re balls deep in Javier Munoz’s old YouTube clips from his high school theatre production of You Can’t Take It With You, keep a bored look on your face when you arrive at the theater, to avoid seeming like you’re even remotely interested in what’s going on around you. When the line starts to move and you get the urge to squeal and jump up and down, channel that energy into a full-body eyeroll instead!
Don’t brag afterward.
Unfortunately, your work doesn’t end when the show does. When talking to coworkers about your weekend, pretend to not remember what you did on Saturday. “Umm, I just laid low…oh wait, I went to see Hamilton! I totally forgot. Have you heard of it?”
Hum the songs quietly on the train.
Sure at this point you want to scream, “Raise a glass to freedom, something they can never take away.” If you accidentally do break out in song and someone hears you, apologize loudly. “Sorry I have this random song stuck in my head. I have no idea where it came from! Did I make this up?”
Conspicuously place your signed program at the top of the recycling bin at work.
Even wipe your mouth with it first if you’re feeling ambitious. You want people to know you saw Hamilton without being all “oooh Hamilton!” Forget to mention that you descended on Lafayette for his autograph at the stage door like a horny vulture, elbowing your way through hoards of preteen girls for whom the show was a bat mitzvah gift. You can sneak back into the office for the program once everyone’s gone home!
Follow these tips and you’re sure to avoid the embarrassing ordeal of being caught actually caring about Hamilton. Don’t worry, we won’t tell anyone you still sing through the soundtrack in your car imagining yourself in the cast, as if it’s still 2016. Just be sure to remember these tips five years from now when you’re finally seeing Dear Evan Hansen!