How To Let Your Barista Know You’re Unhappy In Your Marriage

Telling your barista you’re in an unfulfilling marriage can leave you feeling vulnerable – approaching the counter with sweaty palms, simultaneously ready to order your coffee and reveal what a sham your marriage to Mark has been. But there is always a payoff in the end! Luckily for your nerves, there are some tried-and-true ways to transform latte art into a heart-to-heart!


When asked how you are, answer only with a despondent, “married.”

Say it quietly and let the underlying pain bleed through. Engage his eyes with your own sad eyes; let the longing reach out from your tired pupils into his youthful irises. Open your mouth a pinch to communicate that you are hungry for him, but also weary from your marital struggles. He’ll know why you’re there.


Make jokes about his unbounded single life.

Engage him with invasive questions about his love life and weekend habits! Toss your hair back and chuckle about all the casual sex he likely has, how you remember those days and sometimes miss them. If he seems shy about divulging, press on! Your aggressiveness will express both your interest in him, and your deep unhappiness in your marriage!


Drop your wedding ring in your coffee and say, “It’s for the best.”

Oops, did I just drop the symbolism of my marriage in my freshly steamed latte? It’s okay; it’s for the best! Gaze at it for a moment, as if publicly contemplating how incompatible you and Mark have been all along! After your contemplation, give your barista a wink, to let him know you’re resilient and DTF, in spite of your deep sadness.


Casually mention the freedom you’ll feel when your husband finally dies.

You’ve definitely entertained scenarios in which Mark passes away inexplicably, and you are free to finally pursue your fresh-out-of-college barista who always compliments your haircuts! In passing, let him know that you’re already at peace with “moving on” if widowed!



Give vague, unsolicited advice about commitment.

“You just never know which direction you’ll grow in,” and other vaguely unhelpful romantic tips will give him clear signs that you’re definitely not happy in your marriage and are likely open to a non-committal whirlwind hookup! Or really, down for anything with him! If you know how to, raise one eyebrow.


If none of these properly express your desire and desperation, try leaving your journal on a table bookmarked to the page where you express deep cafe-inspired lust, and your Mark-inspired marital despair.