Love is emotionally draining and time-consuming—who needs it? Not you, that’s for sure! It can be a real hassle to keep from loving people; they have soft skin, they smell good, and sometimes they have sex with you. How can you avoid developing tender feelings in spite of those tempting benefits?
Dwell on the worst thing anyone’s ever done to you, and remember that anyone could do it.
Did someone beat you up in 4th grade? Steal your lunch money in middle school? Sexually reject you in college? Cling to that memory for dear life. Then, whenever you start to feel like you are growing fonder of a particular coworker, think of your 4th grade bully/middle school jerk/college heartbreaker, then superimpose their face onto your new crush’s. This seemingly nice person could trigger that trauma at any time. Love: avoided!
Think about the fact that around 100% of people have HPV.
When you’re thinking about engaging in a love-inducing activity like having sex with a new coworker, remember that at least 100% of sexually active will get some type of HPV in their lifetime. Do you really want that cute little dick or pretty little vajazzlle to give you wart cancer? No thank you! And because condoms won’t fully protect you from contracting it, maybe don’t do it at all. Not only will you have avoided an STD, you will have avoided the possibility of love. Slam dunk!
Every time you look at someone, remember that they are carrying around several pounds of feces in their lower intestine.
When you start thinking that some coworker is pretty cute, that they’re different and better than all the other coworkers you’ve met, think about the fact that right underneath those perfect abs, they have several pounds of feces just resting in their abdomen, readying for their next poop. They’re not a hottie, they’re a walking bag of shit! How could you possibly love that? You can’t. Perfect!
Pretend anyone you talk to is a gorilla.
Although gorillas are nice, they’re definitely not boyfriend material. If you pretend that every hot coworker you talk to has the intelligence and communication skills of a gorilla, it will make them seem like noble morons capable of extreme violence—AKA totally unworthy of love. Plus, the strange facial expressions you’ll make while picturing them doing sign language for “Woman Sad” will cause an emotional distance that will drive that possible love interest away. It’s a one-two punch for avoiding feelings!
In an emergency, stab someone.
When you do feel yourself falling in love with a coworker and it seems to be uncontrollable, stab them. You’ll see how weak and unworthy their flesh is. You can’t love someone who would let a knife go through them that easily! Bonus: After you stab them, you’ll get fired and they’ll stay far away from you, making it easier for you to smother your budding love. Oh happy lack of love!
So remember: Love is hard to avoid, but you can do it if you try. You just need to be focused, determined, and sometimes, willing to commit murder. Now it’s time to focus on your career!