How to Put No Pressure on Valentine’s Day, But Still End Up Crying

You’re in a relationship, and don’t want to make a big deal over Valentine’s Day. But let’s face it – you have some expectations, and it would be great if your significant other could fulfill them in a chill and zero-pressure way. So here are a few ways you can to put absolutely no pressure on this lame corporate holiday, but still end up crying a lot at the end of the night.


Plan a Chill Dinner

When you don’t want to make a whole big thing about this artificial holiday, plan a cool, easy night with your boo instead. Start it off by making dinner for your love—or maybe you can make it together. That way, there’s absolutely no pressure to have a perfect evening, and then you’ll suddenly notice that your food is salty and you’ll ask him how much salt he put in and then you’ll detect a tone in his response until you end up crying tears onto your food because this meal tastes terrible and you somehow managed to get into a fight despite all this effort to be chill about this dumb fucking holiday. Great work – you did it!


Watch an Unromantic Movie

Netflix has a wide selection of movies, so don’t feel pressured to choose a romantic movie for Valentine’s Day. Pick an old favorite, or even a graphically violent mobster movie to get your mind off of forced romance and trite rituals of Valentine’s day. This will set you up to be reminded of something lacking in your relationship, like the fact that your man didn’t even get you a card, this year or any year really; before you know it you are choking back tears, remembering your kind ex, Dan, who was a little boring but always cared, you know? Just a totally chill night in, no big deal!


Agree to Only Get Each Other One Small Gift

Valentine’s Day gifts are always a disaster, so agree to only get each other something small. That way you won’t be disappointed! Of course, once you discover that your lover’s idea of a single small gift was a $15 gift card to the Cheesecake Factory, which you’ve never even said you like, you will still have the chance to cry. Because Valentine’s Day is no big deal but this is still kind of a big deal. Plus this barely covers the cost of one slice of cheesecake! What the fuck, Chris??



Don’t Make Love, Just Do It Regular

Rose petals, candles, mood music, and slow humping might be on the menu for most V-Day celebrating couples, but don’t worry about that stuff. Just have regular sex, and let that clear your mind. Then your clear mind will suddenly have time to think about that fight you guys ended a month ago that was never really resolved and still upsets you. And now you’re crying during sex—great job!


This year, try not to worry too much about the pressures of Valentine’s Day. Some big sobs will creep up on you either way!