Sure, appetizers are meant to be shared, but what’s a girl to do when she’s sad, hungry, and alone? When no one can fill the void inside you, why not shovel the same fried food nugget into your face, over and over again? Pick up any (or all) of these five delectable party appetizers on your next Costco run to get through another cold, dark, and listless night:
Crying in the mornin’, crying in the evenin’, crying at suppertime! When you live alone and no one’s around to judge or love you, you can have Bagel Bites over and over again until you don’t feel feelings anymore. These mini pizza bagels are a perfect meal for the sad. While purchasing, you’ll revel in the blissful delusion of nostalgia, patting yourself on the back even for treating yourself to an indulgence of a childlike joy, but once the whole box is undergoing gestation in your gut, you’ll realize not only was it not pizza, nor even a bagel you just decimated, but it was actually the hope of ever reconnecting with your own former ignorant bliss that’s really now gone.
Margaritaville Captain’s Calamari Rings
If you’re a fun fixture at pool parties – until you get too drunk, that is – Margaritaville Captain’s Calamari Rings are the dinnatizer for you. From the comfort of your own couch, you can pretend you’re at a swim-up bar in an exotic Caribbean location, sipping out of a tall souvenir straw while a muscled young man massages your feet. And when not even the passing notion of this fantasy can stir the slightest smize to your eyes, at least you’ll have the Creole Remoulade Dippin’ Sauce to pour over the pain.
Any’tizers Boneless Chicken WYNGZ
It’s right there in the name: any’tizers! They’re appetizers that you’re supposed to eat anytime you want. We recommend the optimum “anytime” for these treats to be Sunday night, when everyone else is at home with the person they love. Whatever amount of actual protein your body absorbs from a bag of these will play a crucial part in getting you to work on Monday morning. Your boss does not have an any’tizer policy when it comes to being on time, and you’re on your second verbal warning.
Walgreens Nice! Brand Frozen Appetizers
The Walgreens suite of Nice! frozen snacks is perfect for when you don’t think your weary bones can even make it to the actual grocery store due to the crushing weight of your depression. Choose any of these cheesy, bready, or saucy rolls or bites and season them with your tears. Too numb for tears? Try the crusty-topped honey mustard that’s been in the back of your fridge for two years. If you’re too emotionally fatigued to choose one, just buy them all. You can mix them all together in the glass casserole you used to make casseroles in and heat them up for mass consumption. Does it even matter?
While no appetizer can bring you a feeling of satisfaction or even the physical sensation of fullness, with any luck, tomorrow will seem worthy of something a little more substantial, like your roommate’s leftover orange chicken. Onward and upward!