Sometimes, a lady needs a treat she can sneakily go to after a rough day or when she’s PMS-ing. But we all know keeping chocolate around the house is dangerous. Left to your own devices, that easy-access sugar trove will make you pack on the pounds like a college freshman who just quit smoking. So here are our tips on how to make your secret stash so secret, even you won’t know where it is.
Hire a seamstress to carefully sew M&Ms into the seams of various outfits and handbags.
A beginner self-candy-hider would see the mess of clothes at the bottom of a closet as a perfect place to hide a sweet treat for later. Except that all you need to do to find it is to root around in that pile until you hear the telling crinkle of the wrapper. Before you know it, you’ve downed a whole bag of mini Milky Ways and are crying harder than you were before you went in there. So while you’re at it, get those clothes cleaned, get your closet organized, and get tiny M&Ms sewn into everything. It’ll take you awhile to figure out which clothes have the candy and even longer to get it out, and when you do, it’s just a guilt-free serving size of one M&M. Being a woman is hard, but eating chocolate is good!
Mix the unwrapped chocolates into your cat’s dry food.
You’re not so depressed and desperate that you’re going to eat your cat’s food – this time. So stop yourself from gobbling up that whole box of Lindor truffles (you’re worth it, just not all at once). You’ll be slowed by the humiliation of combing through a smelly bag of animal feed and will hopefully take the time to dust off all the cat food particles before you shove it into your mouth. Also, your cat will probably come over and start pawing at you, slowing the whole shameful event even more. What can we say? Us gals just gotta have our chocolate!
Bury the chocolate with your dead grandmother.
It’ll make sense to your family. Your grandmother was a woman, after all, so she must have had an uncontrollable weakness for chocolate. You just want her to enjoy it in the afterlife. You’ll probably (hopefully) never actually exhume this stash. You’ll just use it to remind yourself that you do have a glorious stash somewhere that could be melting deliciously in your mouth right now, soothing whatever pains ail you. But if you do go there in the middle of the night to dig up your creamy, delectable indulgence, you’ll literally have to pry it from your grandmother’s cold, dead hands. And, well, if you’ve gotten this far, you’ll probably eat the whole Godiva deluxe gift basket, but at least you’ll have burned some of the calories digging so far underground and prying open the casket. And yum, right? Chocolate!
Hiding chocolate is as natural to a girl as eating chocolate. But when you love eating it as much as the average woman does, you better learn to hide it just as aggressively. Because your metabolism is slowing – unlike your love for chocolate!