We all know that Yule logs aren’t free, and boy oh boy do we wish they were! Buying obligatory gifts for people you “sort of like but not really” can leave your bank account bone dry—but what are you supposed to do, limit your list and focus on the spirit of the season? Fuck no! This year, get your inner Mother Teresa on by sending love and light—two things that are on everyone’s Amazon wish list:
1. Expensive toilet paper. Unless they have a Costco membership and live in the suburbs, they are probably spending most of their paycheck on toilet paper. Treat your loved one and their asshole to a luxurious twelve pack of fancy toilet paper.
2. Socks. Who doesn’t love a new pair of socks? A fresh or gently used pair of socks can change their day from “oy vey” to “oh, hay!” in no time.
3. Your parents’ HBOGo password. Give them the gift of watching four seasons of a high quality cable drama in one sitting by sharing your dad’s HBOGo password with a friend. They’ll be so busy watching the third season of Six Feet Under that they will never have time to ask you to hang out. This one is a gift that keeps on giving!
4. Leg warmers. Find a pair of your roommate’s sweatpants and draw a line above the knee. Cut off the top of the sweatpants at the knee. Voilà, leg warmers! Take that, $5 Secret Santa gift maximum!
5. Coffee table book. Give her your high school yearbook. Everyone loves a good biography, so why not give her a glimpse into the past, where your formative insecurities took hold? Talk about a page turner!
So this year, instead of focusing on the people who matter the most, send a bunch of cheap crap to everyone you’ve ever had a conversation with. After all, faux-genuine affection is the reason for the season!