Not exactly a philanthropist? Don’t worry, you can fake it! Use this holiday season to utilize your greatest skill—feigning empathy for others by putting a minimal amount of effort toward “giving back.” If you’re lucky, you’ll keep them quiet until at least the next bucket challenge!
Hang some pamphlets on your fridge.
So what if you brushed off that street canvasser with an averted gaze and a questionably unintentional shoulder check? These unread pamphlets say, “I may or may not be either currently sponsoring or considering sponsoring a child in need.” For the price of your daily coffee, you might be changing a kid’s life! Just think, for the price of those four-pump triple-shot Peppermint Mochas you’ve been slugging since October, you could adopt a whole kid!
Go ahead and hit “OKAY” on the “Donate a Dollar?” part of your pharmacy purchase.
The cashier knows you just spent more than three times your hourly wage on that “Holy Holly” red lipstick you’ll wear once and lose in the bar bathroom. Throw off her instant judgment by donating a single dollar to…wherever it asked for, who cares? You’re a saint.
Partake in at least one solid exchange of sex for a night of free beers at a holiday charity event, particularly with someone you would’ve slept with regardless of the unlimited alcoholic breadsticks. Free booze and charity? That’s exactly why they made these kinds of events!
Bestow your excess canned goods upon the roommate who’s replacing you.
Sure, this is mostly because you don’t feel like packing the 14 cans of expired sadness you’ve collected for three years in that dark corner of the back cabinet. But to give you some credit, the new roomie’s fragile frame looks like she could use some Dinty Moore left over from Hurricane Sandy. You’re welcome, Craigslist Cathy.
Use your ex’s delivery account to send pizzas to your entire building.
You may not have been savvy enough to jot down his credit card information, but you are still logged into his takeout app. While you’ve been using it for yourself for almost a year, take a moment to spread Christmas cheer by racking up $600 of extra large four-cheese pizzas for nine flights of neighbors. Some of them might be going through a tough year.
Now that you’ve appeared vaguely charitable you can get back to the real peace and joy of the holidays—spiked eggnog! You deserve it.